Posts Tagged ‘Training’
Persuading Others To Help
Good leaders in any capacity, whether managers at work or parents at home, need help from others. They need the right people to take on the right tasks – the tasks for which they don’t possess the right amount of knowledge, skill, or time to do themselves; or the tasks that others should be doing for their own learning and growth.
But how do we get others to help?
People usually want to help because of who it is that’s requesting the help: if you’re an authoritative, person-centered type of leader, then getting people behind you probably isn’t a difficult task most of the time. But sometimes it’s not enough. You can also rely on the basic but time-tested behavioural principles of reward and punishment – but sometimes, despite our best efforts, the external consequences we apply still aren’t quite worth the effort of completing the task.
Thankfully the field of social psychology offers some additional tools in its principles of persuasion and helping behaviour:
When asking for help its important initially to be viewed as credible and likeable. This is definitely something to pay close attention to – but it will also only take you so far unless there are better reasons for continuing to help. Similarly, you’ll also need to go beyond the important but limited behavioural principles of reward and punishment; you’ll need to enable a wider perspective of cost versus benefit by presenting a strong argument for why the person should help.
Your argument should be long enough to include all the necessary details of, and reasons for, your request (make no assumptions and leave no room for misinterpretation), but short enough to keep the other’s attention and interest. The points in your argument need to be consistent, realistic, and personally relevant for the other person. They should evoke positive emotions, and appeal to his or her sense of moral reasoning and empathy. Finally, you should encourage the other person to think critically about your argument (and debate you on it if appropriate).
The other factors to keep in mind when planning your request are the timing of the delivery (it’s helpful if there’s a concurrent or precipitating event that makes the action more important, meaningful, or urgent); the mood your audience is in; their unique personality traits; and whether they would perceive the action as being socially acceptable through the eyes of their peers.
The next time you have a request that you know will take a little more work to gain compliance, try writing out a solid argument. Make a checklist of all the points raised above, and try to include as many of them as you can. Try to anticipate the objections that might arise to your request and argument, and develop answers to these using the same principles. Practice your argument well, and try to deliver your request at the most appropriate time and place.
Always Question Your Leadership
There are many different styles of leadership with varying degrees of effectiveness. A people-centered approach is probably best in general; but only if partnered with sound knowledge and skill, and delivered in an authoritative style (a strong focus on relationship with the ability to appropriately set limits and apply corrective action).
I’m currently coaching someone I consider to be one of the best leaders with whom I’ve had the pleasure to work. I don’t know if she actually knows that she’s as good as she is: she’s relatively new to her position and has lots of questions and doubts about her style. But this type of questioning is common and expected for a new leader, and I fully expect her confidence to rise steadily with experience. I also sincerely hope, though, that she never loses the habit of self-reflection.
I’ve always had the impression that this woman is a strong leader, despite some of her doubts in specific areas. It was when I reviewed the 360 degree feedback from her team, though, that I realized how much of a star she really is. She has mastered that difficult balance between people skills and technical skill; between relationship development and task orientation. She is truly an authoritative leader who knows what she’s doing.
On the contrary, I’m also aware of leaders who appear oblivious to the fact that they’re not particularly great at the people side of things. They may be good at the technical aspects of their jobs, but they tend to rub others the wrong way. They are often closed to others’ ideas and they have difficulty sharing credit.
I think this happens for different reasons: they might be aware of their shortcomings but don’t particularly care; they may be aware of their shortcomings but don’t have the skills to change; or they might actually believe this style is effective. My guess, also, is that these types of leaders are often (but not always) masking a deeper sense of insecurity with an authoritarian style of interaction. Regardless of the reasons for the authoritarian style of leadership, it’s clear that these leaders don’t – at least actively and openly – question their leadership.
We might not all possess the leadership finesse of my client, but we can always continue to grow when we’re willing to engage in honest self-reflection. I believe that my client is a natural leader to a great degree – but I also believe that she’s as strong as she is because she questions herself.
It becomes increasingly difficult to question ourselves as our confidence and competence grows: self-reflection is often done in response to self-doubt and fear of failure. But to be effective leaders we need to reclaim and hold the assumption that we can always be better.
Spell It Out
People need to be explained things in enough detail. Even if parts of the message feel to you like common sense, flesh out the details anyway just to make sure. If in doubt, spell it out.
Things seem to show up as themes in my life, and this is a theme I’ve noticed recently. A couple of incidents over the past few weeks highlighted the fact that I tend to do a lot of assuming. And you know what they say about assuming…
To share just one example, I had recently put together a new product for a small business I run, and after rolling it all out I got some feedback that the instructions weren’t detailed enough. I didn’t bother to test it first, which was a big mistake. I assumed that the directions were simple and straightforward, and it turned out that that might only have been true in my own mind.
I was reminded that we all have our own experiences and filters, and I realized that I had put the directions together from my own understanding. I omitted the parts I already knew, which seemed obvious to me, without taking into consideration that others might not share the same knowledge.
So the point I learned is that it takes a degree of objectivity to ensure that the right information is included in ones’ message. What might seem trite or obvious to one is critical information to another. We need to plan our messages well, and think of what information is needed for someone else to be able to seamlessly execute our vision. Whether we’re speaking to our employees, or to our children, or to anyone else we may be delegating to, we need to be clear. And clarity involves the right amount of detail.
(And, of course, one can also include too much detail. Too much repetition, or the inclusion of irrelevant detail, can also lose your audience).
So one great way to ensure that we have the right amount of detail is to solicit feedback about our message. People often won’t ask for more detail or clarification if they perceive our assumption that ‘this is common sense’. It always helps to ask, “To help me ensure this is clear, can you tell me in your own words what you’ve just read or heard?” and “What else do you need to know about this?”
The Structure of Accountability
I’m the first to admit that I’m not a natural-born writer. The words don’t always come easily, and I sometimes don’t know exactly what it is I’m trying to say. So why am I writing this article? It’s primarily because I want to: I do have things to say, and I do want to share them with others. I’ve also decided that writing articles is good for my business because it helps to keep me in front of potential clients and customers.
But because my love of writing is not as strong as I wish it was, I don’t typically jump all over the chance to sit at the keyboard for a half-hour trying to think of what to say. So despite all the great motivations I have for writing this article, there is another reason it’s actually getting done: it’s because I’m accountable to someone besides myself to do it.
I made a commitment to my friend, Mark, that I would write an article once a month for his online newspaper. This has proven to be a win-win situation: Mark gets content for his paper, and I have a structure that helps me to do something I want to do (but doesn’t carry the inherent reward-power to allow me do it on my own).
If left to my own devices I probably would write regularly for a few months, then it might become more sporadic, then it might dwindle down to nothing at all. But because of my commitment to Mark I’m sitting here now writing this article. And I’m glad I am: I’ll get to experience a sense of accomplishment, and I’ll get to continue to share my thoughts with others, as well as continue to keep my name out there.
So I know that accountability is a powerful structure when one wants to get things done. It’s also free and easy, and can help with a host of behaviours.
A friend of mine, to give another example, has had a hard time quitting smoking. He’d tried it many times and always started up again. But when he was truly ready to quit, he shared his intention with his children. He knew, as hard as it would be, that once he had told his kids and got their hopes up he would never light up again. And he didn’t. He was truly ready to quit, but didn’t feel he could quite do it on his own. He was wise enough to leverage the structure of accountability.
What have you been putting off that you know you want or need to do? What self-motivation strategies do you employ? Could you also leverage the structure of accountability? Could you offer to be the one that others could be accountable to?
Mini-Vacations to Relieve Stress
Last night I was walking home from the tanning salon listening to Billy Joel’s “Glass Houses” on my iPod, and I felt really, really good: both mentally and physically. I actually felt like I do when I’m on vacation; if only for a brief moment in an otherwise hectic week. I felt as though ten minutes in a tanning bed and a twenty minute walk had completely reset my system. For that moment I was devoid of any stress, and I was filled with total relaxation and endorphin-induced bliss and calm – sort of like I feel when I’m laying in a cot somewhere on a beach in Mexico.
The purpose of this article is not to debate the merits and risks of artificial tanning (I’m doing it to help correct an apparent Vitamin D deficiency), but rather to highlight the benefits of ‘mini-vacations’ – whatever form that takes for you (likewise, this article isn’t a plug for Billy Joel: I just happen to think that Glass Houses is a great album, and it always succeeds in taking me out of my head for awhile!)
I thought about these mini-vacations, and how I don’t do this often enough. I have a habit of waiting for the ‘right time’ to engage in self-care, and I tend to view a break as something that needs to cost money and time. But stress relief isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. And it can be done for free and in small increments.
I also came to realize that I don’t always know I’m stressed until I’m not any more – and that it’s a good idea to be proactive instead of reactive. When stress starts to show up physically, it’s gone too far: when you start to experience things like gastrointestinal problems, tension headaches, and problems sleeping, you haven’t really been listening to your body up to that point.
So a good way to combat stress is to be proactive with our health by taking these ‘mini-vacations’. For me that might be a ten-minute tan and a walk with Billy Joel. But a mini-vacation can take a million forms (and of course a mental health breaks should be longer than a half hour, but sometimes it’s all we can afford).
What do you do to be proactive with your stress? Do you take regular time off? Do you practice good time management? Do you stay active and engaged with your passions? Do you get enough sleep, eat well, and meditate? Could you make it a point to take regular mini-vacations?
The Introverted Leader
I’m an introvert. And so are many other reasonably bright, well-rounded, effective individuals. So it’s not a bad thing. But I do believe that to be most effective, the introverted leader should examine what this personality style can mean in the context of leadership – and know how to leverage it successfully.
(And if you’re more of an extroverted leader by nature, this is still worth paying attention to: to lead well you need to understand all types of personalities – including the introverts).
What makes a person more introverted or extroverted? In simplified terms it’s about how we process our information and how we ‘recharge’: the extrovert will often examine his thoughts out loud to others, whereas the introvert is more likely to spend more time alone making sense of his. The extrovert will seek out others as a source of stimulation and energy, and the introvert will be pushed to the edge of exhaustion if she’s unable to take refuge in her own solitude. Introverts are typically more socially reserved than extroverts, and their presence can easily be missed in a roomful of people (this is not synonymous with ‘shy’, however – we’re not necessarily shy as much as we are ‘quiet and unassuming’).
So, then, can an introvert really be an effective leader? Of course she can – but in a rather different way than how we’re used to thinking about leaders: most of the politicians and other leaders we see in the public eye are extroverts. This is the type of leader we’re used to because they’re in front of us every day. They’re charismatic, outgoing, and animated. They have a commanding presence. They’re the ‘people people’.
But it’s important for the introverted leader to refrain from trying to emulate the extrovert just because that’s what others may expect. Developing stronger speaking skills and making the effort to connect with others in more dynamic ways, for instance, are important things to practice – but trying to be someone we’re not is inauthentic. And nobody likes a phony.
(Finding this balance can be a fine line sometimes, but we can always check in with ourselves with this simple question: “Am I trying to be someone I’m not, or am I genuinely trying to bring out the best of who I am and who I could be?”)
We all have the ability to stretch our personalities a little; to enlarge them enough to more effectively meet the world head-on, and to operate a little bit out of our comfort zones. The introvert can and should learn to present himself in more outgoing ways as the situation requires – but he should also understand that much of his effectiveness actually lies in his introversion: that his natural tendencies as an introvert also happen to be important leadership qualities.
The introvert’s innate leadership qualities are in his tendency to observe carefully and evaluate accurately before engaging a situation; in his habit of formulating his thoughts and planning his message before speaking; and in his ability to quickly cultivate quality relationships.
So, yes, introverts can make great leaders – but they do need to stretch their boundaries in order to be heard in an extroverted world. And just as importantly, they need to recognize and embrace their ‘gifts’ rather than resent their ‘shortcomings’.
Coaching Skills for Leaders (The Nuts and Bolts)
Research has shown that people perform at higher levels when they are coached as opposed to “managed”. So, you might be asking, what is coaching, in a nutshell? What are some of the tools I can use as a leader? How, specifically, do I have a “coaching” conversation?
Coaching is about inspiring and empowering others through meaningful conversations and effective questioning. It trusts that people possess the wisdom they need to discover and realize their own potential. Coaching meets a certain need for many people: it’s a forum for objective conversation and full exploration. It’s a rare opportunity for an individual to focus solely on him or herself for a full hour on a regular basis. It’s a conversation different from what you would have with colleagues, family, or friends. It’s a place to get support when counselling isn’t really the answer. It’s for people who are already doing well in many areas, but are seeking renewed opportunities for growth.
Coaching is both a science and an art. It’s about the combination of theory, practice, and interpersonal finesse. There are some good coach training programs that address these components in depth – which one article on the topic could never hope to duplicate.
There are, nonetheless, some coaching concepts of which to be aware: some ‘nuts and bolts’ that you can begin to incorporate into your own style of conversation and leadership. These, in my humble opinion, are the essentials:
Most importantly, you need to engage the interchange from a place of genuine curiosity: asking questions (and more questions) without anticipating or providing the answers, and listening carefully without assuming or rehearsing. It’s not about your interpretations; it’s about the coachee finding his or her own answers as you ask the questions that foster the search.
This is often easier said than done, but it’s a skill to be refined.
The other components of a typical coaching conversation, on top of active listening and purposeful questioning, include supporting and acknowledging, making requests, and providing the structure of accountability (the coachee is ultimately accountable only to himself, of course, but tends to stay in action when he knows that he will be reporting back to you on his successes).
These components in action might look something like this – a basic six-step coaching model:
1. Setting the stage:
- Why are we having this conversation? What brought you here?
- What are our respective roles?
2. Formulating and focusing the issues:
- What’s going on?
- What specifically do you want to change or accomplish?
3. Asking questions for further clarification and deeper exploration:
- What does that really mean?
- What area(s) do you want to work on first?
- What is important about this to you?
4. Developing goals through solution-focused questions:
- What will it look like when it’s how you want it to be?
- What exactly will you be thinking/feeling/doing when you reach your desired state?
5. Developing an action plan (making requests and offering feedback if appropriate):
- What do you need to do to make this happen? What strengths do you need to draw on, and what supports will you need?
- What is the first step?
- How will you know that you’re moving toward your goal?
- Can I ask you to experiment with…?
6. Following up (the process begins again)
- What went well last week, and why? Congratulations! How can you do more of that?
- Where did you get stuck? Why?
- What do you most want to focus on now?
- What do you most need to do to keep moving forward?
The important thing to remember throughout the process is that the relationship is key, and that you don’t need to have the answers. Getting caught up in doing it the ‘right way’ and worrying too much about the questions you ask will only impede the process. These concerns quickly become non-issues as you develop trust and rapport, and when you truly approach the conversation with genuine interest, concern, and selflessness.
Happy coaching!
Are You In The Habit Of Showing Up?
I’ve recently been trying to get ahold of someone to come and take a look at a problem I’m having with my roof. I’ve left three messages with this particular company, and none have been returned. Similarly, a few months ago I needed to get a potential moisture problem in my basement looked at. I phoned two different companies numerous times – one called me back once, but I missed the call and they were never to be heard from again. The other company booked a total of three appointments with me and did not show for any of them. The first time looked like an innocent-enough misunderstanding, but not showing for the second and third bookings I thought was just plain irresponsible.
A friend of mine suggested a service that he uses, and owner was at my house the next day, surveying the problem in a very professional manner. Why wasn’t it just that easy the first time around? Similarly, I recently called a local computer repair service to ask about my recent slow internet connection. I phoned three times over the week and didn’t receive any response. I finally gave up and phoned another service I’d never used before, whose technician walked me through a process on the phone that quickly fixed my problem (with no charge).
Why, I wondered, do some people just not show up?
Then I thought about what showing up really means, and I realized that it means different things in different contexts – but that the underlying principle is the same. It’s about ‘being there’. For a small business like the examples I gave, the act of not showing up could be a matter of life or death for their success. But what does it mean to consistently ‘show up’ in one’s life?
I’m reminded of something a friend told me recently: he had been working on a project that had inadvertently caused him to start to dig deeper into who he is – to examine his habits and practices as a human being. He informed me that an unexpected side-effect of this inquiry was that he has become more involved and available to the people in his life.
My friend has been honoring his commitments more now than he has done so in the past – consistently following through with the plans he makes with colleagues and friends. He’s apologized for some old hurts and mended a relationship with a family member. He has begun to be more present in his interactions: really listening to others and engaging in more meaningful levels of conversation.
In other words, my friend is learning what it means to “show up”. He’s discovered the importance of really ‘being there’ in all the areas of his life: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Being more consistent and reliable, open, present, and engaged, he says, has afforded him many benefits on many levels. And he just feels good about his life.
So as a leader, a business owner, a parent, a friend… are you in the habit of showing up? Do you meet your commitments? Are you reliable and dependable? Do you listen well and speak carefully? Do you treat every encounter as if there is something important to be both shared and learned?
A Daily Dose of Gratitude
I was reading in the paper awhile ago about the guy who had won $17 million in the lottery. And if that wasn’t enough, in the last 5 years he’d also won two other lotteries valued at around $1 million each, as well as a couple more in the five-digits.
What was your automatic reaction when you read this – what immediately came up for you? Was it jealousy? Awe? Joy? Anger? Did your thoughts jump to how fortunate you are? Or to how things would be so much easier if only you had that kind of luck? What did you think about him personally: Did you dislike him? Did you see him as a worthy being, deserving of good fortune?
Any or all of these thoughts and feelings are, of course, completely natural: there is no inherent right or wrong in your reactions. But did your gut response become a negative feeling that stuck around for awhile, or was it just a fleeting sensation? Or maybe it had no real impact at all.
Our automatic thoughts and feelings about things like this might say something about our approach to life in general. So if we know someone whose responses to others’ good fortunes tend to lean toward the negative or self-defeating, it might help them to understand that there is an antidote to this. It lies in developing a stronger perspective of gratitude.
It seems to be a truth that in many circumstances what we focus on expands: we know that negativity breeds negativity, and we’ve all experienced a sense of strength when we’ve chosen to see positivity, hope, and possibility. So if we make a habit of developing a perspective of gratitude, we come to notice and acknowledge more quickly the fact that we truly win the lottery every day of our lives in many regards. And when we can do this, there’s no room left for envy or self-pity.
But this practice of gratitude isn’t just about comparing our fortunes – it’s also a helpful little tool to use when we feel stressed, over-worked, disrespected… the list can go on and on. It’s for whenever we find ourselves getting caught up in our own micro-level problems, and imagining our difficulties as being more significant than they really are. It’s for when we need to step out of our heads for a moment and reassess what’s really important in the here and now.
Ask someone you care about (or try it yourself, if you don’t already) to experiment with cultivating this perspective of gratitude. It’s truly as simple as making a point many times a day to just stop and take a look around, think about the love we have in our lives and the freedoms we enjoy, and just say “Thank you”. The gratitude doesn’t need to be directed toward anyone in particular: the sheer act of acknowledgment and expression is enough.
How Influential Are You as a Leader?
Are you in a position to influence others – at work, at home, in your community? Is having influence important to your position or cause (as a manager, or a parent, or as someone with a vision who’s trying to create something better)? Do the ways in which you exert your influence tend to work well?
The ability to influence is a wonderful tool that can be strengthened and refined. To do so begins with an understanding of where our power lies – and to what degree it matches the situation. When we understand where our power comes from, we can learn to use it more effectively and in the most appropriate way – thereby improving the breadth and scope of our influence.
Management and psychology textbooks often describe French and Raven’s five distinct types of power: Legitimate, Reward, Coercive, Expert, and Referent. Look at what these mean to you – particularly in regard to how you can develop and combine them to match your environment and your goals…
Do you have legitimate power – i.e., are you in a position of authority? How strong is your legitimate power? If you’re a high-ranking officer in the military, for example, you might not concern yourself much with the other bases of power. People listen. Period. If you’re the boss at work, how much legitimate influence you have depends on things like the level of authority you actually hold, and what type of people you lead in which type of environment. At home, the rationale “because I’m the mom” may or may not fly depending on many different factors.
Understanding your own leadership preferences and being open to experimentation, assessing your true level of legitimate power, defining clearly the goals you wish to accomplish, and knowing your audience are all critical components of effective leadership. Here are some other things we might think about in regard to the bases of power:
How much rewarding might you need to do to improve motivation or maintain a desired level of behaviour? What types of rewards will work best? (Everyone has different motivators, so the best thing to do is ask). We also know that offering rewards consistently and regularly helps to shape a desired behaviour, and that rewarding intermittently helps to maintain it.
Do you ever engage in a coercive style of leadership when it’s not absolutely necessary (like necessarily forcing a child to comply when his safety is at risk, for example)? Forcing others to do things through the use of threats may work sometimes, but it’s also clearly not the socially acceptable thing to do – and it might end up backfiring in the form of disloyalty or revolt.
How could you build a stronger leadership presence by developing your expertise – by sharpening the skills and knowledge important to your area of leadership? And, conversely, if you lead solely because you’re the expert, could you be mindful to draw upon other sources as well (i.e., making better use of the principles of reward and motivation; developing your ‘soft skills’ to improve your interpersonal attractiveness)?
Developing your ‘soft skills’ and interpersonal effectiveness speaks to the referent base of power (having influence because people like you, or want to be like you). Legitimate power may be inherent in your role; you may understand the principles of reward and motivation; you may be able to take command when needed; and you likely possess some high-level skills and knowledge. But the effectiveness of all of these can be greatly undermined without some attention to referent power.
Granted, we don’t all have that level of ‘charisma’ that draws others toward us like a magnet – but there’s always something more we can improve upon. While staying true to ourselves (because no one is attracted to insincerity), could we learn to be even more outgoing, friendlier, and more dynamic in a wider variety of circumstances with a wider range of people?
Try paying more attention to these five bases of power, and contemplate how they affect your ability to influence. Take the time to develop them, and learn to draw on them in a wider range of settings and situations. Leverage them to more effectively accomplish your goals and experience higher levels of success!