Posts Tagged ‘Feelings’
Always Question Your Leadership
There are many different styles of leadership with varying degrees of effectiveness. A people-centered approach is probably best in general; but only if partnered with sound knowledge and skill, and delivered in an authoritative style (a strong focus on relationship with the ability to appropriately set limits and apply corrective action).
I’m currently coaching someone I consider to be one of the best leaders with whom I’ve had the pleasure to work. I don’t know if she actually knows that she’s as good as she is: she’s relatively new to her position and has lots of questions and doubts about her style. But this type of questioning is common and expected for a new leader, and I fully expect her confidence to rise steadily with experience. I also sincerely hope, though, that she never loses the habit of self-reflection.
I’ve always had the impression that this woman is a strong leader, despite some of her doubts in specific areas. It was when I reviewed the 360 degree feedback from her team, though, that I realized how much of a star she really is. She has mastered that difficult balance between people skills and technical skill; between relationship development and task orientation. She is truly an authoritative leader who knows what she’s doing.
On the contrary, I’m also aware of leaders who appear oblivious to the fact that they’re not particularly great at the people side of things. They may be good at the technical aspects of their jobs, but they tend to rub others the wrong way. They are often closed to others’ ideas and they have difficulty sharing credit.
I think this happens for different reasons: they might be aware of their shortcomings but don’t particularly care; they may be aware of their shortcomings but don’t have the skills to change; or they might actually believe this style is effective. My guess, also, is that these types of leaders are often (but not always) masking a deeper sense of insecurity with an authoritarian style of interaction. Regardless of the reasons for the authoritarian style of leadership, it’s clear that these leaders don’t – at least actively and openly – question their leadership.
We might not all possess the leadership finesse of my client, but we can always continue to grow when we’re willing to engage in honest self-reflection. I believe that my client is a natural leader to a great degree – but I also believe that she’s as strong as she is because she questions herself.
It becomes increasingly difficult to question ourselves as our confidence and competence grows: self-reflection is often done in response to self-doubt and fear of failure. But to be effective leaders we need to reclaim and hold the assumption that we can always be better.
The Christmas Dichotomy
During the last few weeks I’ve spoken with both Christmas-lovers and Christmas-haters; which has caused me to reflect on the dichotomy of the season.
On the one hand we’re taught that Christmas is a time to spread joy and share with others. It’s a reason to spend quality time with loved ones, and to take a time-out from the routine of everyday life. Christmas is a time to engage with the comforts of tradition; whether celebrating the birth of a baby in a manger or the arrival of a jolly soul in a red suit.
For many, though, the other side isn’t as nice. For one, it’s a very busy time of year when they really just want to relax. The pressures of getting the right gifts, fighting the crowds to do so, and the demands on their time with family commitments can be overwhelming.
And then there are the problems many of us see on a larger scale: the billions of dollars we spend as a nation on the things we don’t need, and the real unhappiness this season actually brings to many. We go beyond our financial means to feed the machine that produces the goods designed to keep us distracted and entertained – with the empty promises of filling all our spiritual and emotional voids. The things we consume in alarming quantities at Christmas are largely produced at the earth’s expense; assembled by the unseen others who aspire to reach the level of material comfort we enjoy via the lottery of birth. We fear that our children are becoming greedy as they’re relentlessly marketed to in every TV commercial and storefront window; and we spend all this money while millions continue to starve worldwide.
But then, again, we put all this aside and return to the comforts of our own existence. We delight in the smiles on our children’s faces as they unwrap their gifts on Christmas morning. We catch up with old friends, sing some carols, enjoy a hearty meal with all the trimmings, and give thanks for our blessings.
Given these dichotomies, its little wonder that the holiday season is so stress-provoking for many.
It’s important to focus on the things we can control versus the things we can’t. To maintain a healthy and helpful perspective, it’s a good idea to be aware of both sides of a coin – and to understand that dichotomies can and do exist. We can experience things like joy, excitement, stress, and injustice simultaneously; but we need to do so consciously: focusing on what’s good about the season while acknowledging those things that cause our dissonance. By doing so we can deliberately choose our actions: engaging fully in the things that feed our spirit, and doing what we can to help remediate the rest.
A Healthy Dose of Optimism
I heard a great quote recently that got me to thinking about what it means to be optimistic: “If life doesn’t give you at least a little sugar as well, your lemonade’s gonna suck”. In other words, a positive attitude isn’t always sufficient in and of itself.
I come from a strength-based, solution-focused approach to coaching and life. I’m a firm believer in the adage, “whatever we focus on expands”; and so it’s my preference to focus on strengths and possibilities. I’m a champion of unlimited human potential and inner wisdom, and I’ve always believed that there is more good to be found than evil. I’ve always believed that somehow, on some level, the things that need to be worked out eventually will. Needless to say, I’ve always considered myself an optimist.
But I’ve recently come to understand something important and eye-opening about the nature of my optimism. I’ve come to see it, in many regards, as a façade that effectively served to mask my naivety and ignorance – and to protect me from the harsh realities of life.
Through my quest over the past year to understand more about the world and our impact in it – how we interact with the earth and with one another – I found myself becoming increasingly cynical about human nature. As my knowledge and understanding accumulated, my disenchantment was feeding a growing sense of pessimism.
It was a spontaneous discussion about caring one day, though, initiated by my six-year-old son, which made me realize that I had actually let the pendulum swing too far: I realized that being a pessimist wasn’t going to do any of us any good. I also realized that the pessimism I found at the other end of the pendulum was just as much a façade as my optimism: it was really a strategy to protect me from feeling the pains ones can feel from truly acknowledging life’s harsh realities. It was easier to feel angry and cynical than sad and despondent.
So it took an intense year-long journey to open my eyes; and a conversation with a child to refocus them. And I hope now that I’m closer to that middle ground: that healthy dose of optimism.
So what’s the difference between a healthy and unhealthy optimism? The former, in my opinion, embodies a more realistic perspective on things with a sense of hope and possibility attached to it. The latter, I’ve come to see, is simply a ‘happy-face’ mask designed to hide ignorance, fear, and denial.
A healthy optimism entails the willingness to see the ugly things as they really are – to feel discouraged and angry when appropriate – but also remembering to engage fully with the beauty that does exist. Focusing on what is right and good in the world, without turning a blind eye to the rest, can give us the encouragement and strength we need to make right the things that need to be made right.
Are you typically an optimist or a pessimist? Or maybe you consider yourself more of a realist. Or maybe it depends on the situation. It really doesn’t matter: the point is that it helps to take stock of the assumptions we tend to make, and the ways in which we typically choose to approach the world. We need to maintain a hopeful but balanced perspective in order to lead change effectively.
Are You In The Habit Of Showing Up?
I’ve recently been trying to get ahold of someone to come and take a look at a problem I’m having with my roof. I’ve left three messages with this particular company, and none have been returned. Similarly, a few months ago I needed to get a potential moisture problem in my basement looked at. I phoned two different companies numerous times – one called me back once, but I missed the call and they were never to be heard from again. The other company booked a total of three appointments with me and did not show for any of them. The first time looked like an innocent-enough misunderstanding, but not showing for the second and third bookings I thought was just plain irresponsible.
A friend of mine suggested a service that he uses, and owner was at my house the next day, surveying the problem in a very professional manner. Why wasn’t it just that easy the first time around? Similarly, I recently called a local computer repair service to ask about my recent slow internet connection. I phoned three times over the week and didn’t receive any response. I finally gave up and phoned another service I’d never used before, whose technician walked me through a process on the phone that quickly fixed my problem (with no charge).
Why, I wondered, do some people just not show up?
Then I thought about what showing up really means, and I realized that it means different things in different contexts – but that the underlying principle is the same. It’s about ‘being there’. For a small business like the examples I gave, the act of not showing up could be a matter of life or death for their success. But what does it mean to consistently ‘show up’ in one’s life?
I’m reminded of something a friend told me recently: he had been working on a project that had inadvertently caused him to start to dig deeper into who he is – to examine his habits and practices as a human being. He informed me that an unexpected side-effect of this inquiry was that he has become more involved and available to the people in his life.
My friend has been honoring his commitments more now than he has done so in the past – consistently following through with the plans he makes with colleagues and friends. He’s apologized for some old hurts and mended a relationship with a family member. He has begun to be more present in his interactions: really listening to others and engaging in more meaningful levels of conversation.
In other words, my friend is learning what it means to “show up”. He’s discovered the importance of really ‘being there’ in all the areas of his life: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Being more consistent and reliable, open, present, and engaged, he says, has afforded him many benefits on many levels. And he just feels good about his life.
So as a leader, a business owner, a parent, a friend… are you in the habit of showing up? Do you meet your commitments? Are you reliable and dependable? Do you listen well and speak carefully? Do you treat every encounter as if there is something important to be both shared and learned?
The Benefits of Being Real
After a meeting with a client today I was struck at how positive my mood was. I reflected on why this was, and I came to the conclusion that it really boiled down to authenticity: to the opportunity for both of us to just ‘be real’. We both took advantage of that space that coaching affords – the space to just be able to speak openly and honestly, and to join one another as human beings sharing the human condition.
I thought about how important ‘being real’ really is, and about how difficult it is to define what this really means.
How often do we actually show up as our authentic selves? This is a difficult question, because it’s true that we often need to adapt our styles to suit our audience and the purpose of our interaction. So if we’re speaking and behaving one way to one person or group of people, and a different way to another, does that mean we’re not being authentic? How much can we change before we’re not being our ‘true selves’ any longer?
I think the answer lies with integrity. It’s a wonderful skill to be able to adapt and adjust our personal presentation to fit the need, but are we continuing to act with integrity with each role we assume? In other words, are we living true to our own beliefs and values? If I need to act more assertively in a given situation, for example, can I do it while still honouring my belief about the importance of respecting the rights of others? If I need to be diplomatic in another situation, can I still honour my value of self-expression?
The product of examining our beliefs and values is, hopefully, that we continue to be mindful of being real. And when we’re being real, people know exactly what they’re getting: they have a choice to build something more with us or not – but nobody’s time (including our own) is wasted. We can spare one another the disappointments that sometimes arise when true colours after the ‘honeymoon’ are shown. Authenticity also garners trust in the relationships we do build – and trust is the cornerstone of every productive interaction and win-win situation.
Are you clear about your beliefs and values? What are those ideals and understandings – about yourself, others, and the world at large – that you hold more closely than anything else?
How were these beliefs and values shaped? Are they operating consciously or unconsciously? In other words, do you really know why you do what you do – or do you often act out of habit only to regret it later? Can you make a point of acting in accordance with your adaptive, helpful beliefs and values – and revisit and challenge the outdated ones that may no longer be serving you well?
When we can do this, we can truly be our authentic selves – despite the adjustments we need to make in different situations. And it’s when we’re ‘real’ that we can build the kinds of relationships that help to get our needs met in a way that’s good for ourselves and others.
A Daily Dose of Gratitude
I was reading in the paper awhile ago about the guy who had won $17 million in the lottery. And if that wasn’t enough, in the last 5 years he’d also won two other lotteries valued at around $1 million each, as well as a couple more in the five-digits.
What was your automatic reaction when you read this – what immediately came up for you? Was it jealousy? Awe? Joy? Anger? Did your thoughts jump to how fortunate you are? Or to how things would be so much easier if only you had that kind of luck? What did you think about him personally: Did you dislike him? Did you see him as a worthy being, deserving of good fortune?
Any or all of these thoughts and feelings are, of course, completely natural: there is no inherent right or wrong in your reactions. But did your gut response become a negative feeling that stuck around for awhile, or was it just a fleeting sensation? Or maybe it had no real impact at all.
Our automatic thoughts and feelings about things like this might say something about our approach to life in general. So if we know someone whose responses to others’ good fortunes tend to lean toward the negative or self-defeating, it might help them to understand that there is an antidote to this. It lies in developing a stronger perspective of gratitude.
It seems to be a truth that in many circumstances what we focus on expands: we know that negativity breeds negativity, and we’ve all experienced a sense of strength when we’ve chosen to see positivity, hope, and possibility. So if we make a habit of developing a perspective of gratitude, we come to notice and acknowledge more quickly the fact that we truly win the lottery every day of our lives in many regards. And when we can do this, there’s no room left for envy or self-pity.
But this practice of gratitude isn’t just about comparing our fortunes – it’s also a helpful little tool to use when we feel stressed, over-worked, disrespected… the list can go on and on. It’s for whenever we find ourselves getting caught up in our own micro-level problems, and imagining our difficulties as being more significant than they really are. It’s for when we need to step out of our heads for a moment and reassess what’s really important in the here and now.
Ask someone you care about (or try it yourself, if you don’t already) to experiment with cultivating this perspective of gratitude. It’s truly as simple as making a point many times a day to just stop and take a look around, think about the love we have in our lives and the freedoms we enjoy, and just say “Thank you”. The gratitude doesn’t need to be directed toward anyone in particular: the sheer act of acknowledgment and expression is enough.
Out Of The Habit
Today’s article is from the Calgary Herald, and includes some of my thoughts about breaking habits – a timely topic as we continue to strive toward achieving those New Year’s resolutions!
Stress Management and the Art of Being
I sat down to write this article today and I experienced a bit of a block – which, ironically, caused me some stress. And as I struggled with how to formulate the topic, I began to think about the process of writing itself, and how it might feel to actually ‘be a writer’ – to derive great natural enjoyment from being immersed in the process; easily getting into a state of ‘flow’. As I pondered on this I just began to type my thoughts about it (which I’ve actually saved elsewhere, likely to become the base of another article).
What was interesting thing to me, though, is that what I wrote actually seemed to ‘pour out of me’ as I was imagining and describing the process of spontaneous writing. In other words, I found myself in a ‘state of flow’ as I imagined what a state of flow might be like. The process wasn’t my typical labored, “type-backspace-retype-cut-and-paste-until-I’m-happy” method. And there was no stress involved.
So my original intent for this article was to highlight the virtues of learning to “just be” sometimes, as opposed to always having to “do” – but through this process I realized that ‘being’ and ‘doing’ aren’t necessarily exclusive ideas. And so the understanding I’d like to share is this:
The first piece is that it is important to learn to just ‘be’ sometimes (if we don’t normally make the effort to do so). We can easily get caught up in all the things we need to do, and rationalize to ourselves and others why we can’t take a break. Granted, there are certainly times when it’s not realistic to stop what we’re doing – but how often do we fool ourselves into thinking that this is always the case? It helps to examine our assumptions about this, and ask ourselves if things really will fall apart if we just stop for awhile.
We can also ask ourselves honestly if there are other reasons for our perpetual motion: perhaps it’s uncomfortable to be alone with our thoughts. Or perhaps we feel a sense of guilt when we’re not contributing. Or maybe we simply haven’t learned to be any other way. The point is that we need to reexamine where we can give ourselves the time and space sometimes to regenerate and just contemplate about nothing – and learn to trust that it’s okay to do so.
The second thought is that if you truly are a “doer” (and you’ve established that you’re not avoiding anything or perpetuating any false rationalizations by always “doing”), then perhaps try doing more things from a state of just “being” – in other words, where you can experience that sense of flow. Try doing something with your family just for the sake of spending time: really ‘being there’ with them without ruminating over the tasks you have to accomplish today. Go for a run and ‘get lost in your thoughts’ along the way. Hit the highway for a day-trip to nowhere. Write something just for fun…
Affording the Right Level of Autonomy
How much autonomy is appropriate to give? Empowering our children, employees, or anyone we’re leading is, we know, the best way to improve satisfaction, motivation, and commitment – but it also takes the right style and balance to pull it off successfully.
Do you tend to micromanage others: monitoring even the most routine tasks to ensure success (even if it’s done in the most gentle, people-friendly way)? Or do you allow others to express their creativity, make their own decisions, and learn from trial and error? Or do you do a bit of both, depending on the person and circumstance?
Chances are your answer is the latter: that’s what most of tend to do as leaders, and it’s probably the right thing. This is where our intuition comes in: we adjust our style based on what we see, what we know, and how we feel – as well as how we perceive the weight and probability of the potential outcomes.
But we all know people who micromanage when it’s unnecessary, as well as those who tend to give full rein when it might be inappropriate to do so.
So why might we micromanage when it’s not necessary? Often times it’s because we haven’t learned to trust – or because we don’t feel we can handle the stress inherent in ‘letting go’. And why might we give unbridled freedom when it may not be appropriate? It’s usually because we have blind spots: because we have too much faith either in others’ abilities to respond adaptively; or in the system or task itself to provide the structures and cues to keep behaviours in check.
Whether our belief system generally supports a more or less autocratic, participative, or free-rein style of leadership is largely a matter of personality and habit: preferred and comfortable ways of leading based upon our past experiences – either directly or through observation – and the interpretations we’ve made about those experiences.
The truth is that what’s needed in any given situation is more objective than subjective. It’s the interplay between the complexity and characteristics of the task itself, and the interpersonal styles, habits, and skills of the people we’re leading. The key is to observe these dynamics in play before jumping to an automatic style of leading the situation and players.
If we learn to provide more ‘management’ where it is needed, and to back off where we should, we allow others to experience increased feelings of efficacy and success – which strengthen the internal reward system that fosters motivation. Appropriate levels of autonomy also support and enable more effective skill development, critical thought, and innovation.
Creating a Space
There is much written about motivation and how to achieve and keep it. Unfortunately, motivation is one of those things that easily elude us. Where does motivation come from? How do we get it and make it stick? Can we really do or say anything to motivate another person if it has to come from within?
These are hard questions with no easy answers. The truth is that we need to find what works for us personally, and what style of motivating matches the others person’s values and desires. Google ‘Motivation’, pick a couple of tools, and try them out. And it’s important to remember that once you’ve got it yourself, that doesn’t mean its here to stay: we need to keep working on our motivation whenever the need comes up. We have to renew it constantly and work hard at it (the irony is that we have to be motivated to stay motivated!)
So it’s not an easy thing, but as I mentioned, there are some tools to help draw out that elusive drive from within. One of the things that works for me is to ensure that my environment is set up in a way that helps my motivation rather than hinder it.
For example, like many of us, exercise is the tough one for me. I’m not much of a ‘get up and go to the gym’ type of person, and so I’d rather keep in shape at home. I have the bench and weights, elliptical trainer, and yoga mat – but unfortunately they’ve experienced a lot of darkness and dust over the years.
Fairly recently, however, I’ve created a space that actually makes me want to be there; and that’s made all the difference in the world. I painted the walls in the ‘exercise room’ and put a little stereo in there, as well as a couch and TV: all the comforts of home, so to speak (of course you can go too far: if I also decided to go with the beer fridge, for example, the exercise plan might have gone down the drain!)
So now I’m back on track and it feels good – and it really didn’t cost much.
Where can you ‘create a space’? Think about your home or work environment, for instance: is it cluttered and dull, or is it a clean, organized, exhilarating and inspiring place to be? ‘Exhilarating’ may sound like an exaggeration when you’re thinking of a workspace, but it’s really not: read about colour and aroma therapies, for example – there’s some good research to back these up (or even feng shui if that’s your thing; although the evidence on that one is rather lacking).
And remember, a cluttered environment makes for a cluttered mind. There are some good professional organizers out here who can help, if this isn’t your strength – don’t be afraid to use the resources available.
And don’t forget to change it up periodically: we habituate to our surroundings after awhile, and so we need to keep it fresh to keep those neurons stimulated!