Posts Tagged ‘E-Books’
Mindfulness for Stress Reduction and Better Sleep
There seems to be a lot written about mindfulness lately, and so I’ve sort of steered away from the topic. But I was reminded again recently about how important a topic it really is: how one simple practice can make such a difference to one’s well-being.
I have a friend who has been having trouble sleeping due to stress and ruminating at night, and when I had suggested mindfulness mediation her response reminded me how many people tend to see this practice as new-age ‘hocus pocus’. The fact is, though, that this practice has been used for thousands of years; long before the western ‘new-agers’ ever got ahold of it.
Mindfulness is a simple concept; although not always easy to employ. It simply means (according to at least one definition) just being here right now. Non-judgmentally being with this moment. And this moment. And this moment…
Our bodies do not easily differentiate fantasy from reality, so when we’re ruminating about the days’ events or about what’s going to play out tomorrow, or bodies respond as if the mental scenario we’re playing out is really happening. The body then goes into its stress response and we can’t sleep. Or digest well. Or relax. Or think clearly.
So during the day it helps to remind ourselves to just be right here right now. If we take a moment, use the breath as an anchor to just be really present (just observing the breath going all the way in and all the way out, without trying to control it in any way), we realize that literally nothing is really going on at this particular moment: the stress we feel is purely a manifestation of what’s going on in our head at that moment.
There are many ways to cultivate mindfulness in daily life (and it does take ongoing practice), but I won’t get into them for the purposes of this article. I will, however, go back to the topic of sleep and share a mindfulness-based exercise for calming the mind at night (when ordinary problems appear much bigger), so that we can get the rest and repair we need.
I had been giving a workshop sometime ago about sleep, when one of the participants shared a great strategy. It’s something I continue to use regularly, and I wish I knew who he was so that I could give him proper credit. He did not call it mindfulness meditation, but as he explained the simple technique I knew that that was exactly what it was:
The next time you have a hard time sleeping, particularly because you’re ruminating, the first rule is to remember that just by lying there you’re getting most of the metabolic rest you need. So don’t stress about trying to sleep. Don’t even try to sleep – that only makes things worse. Rather, try slowly and persistently saying ‘Goodnight’ to every little piece of your body: “Goodnight toes. Goodnight balls of the feet. Good night tops of the feet. Goodnight ankles. Goodnight calf muscles…” You get the picture. And when you start to drift off or wander, force yourself to continue with the exercise.
This exercise may sound silly, but it’s very powerful in its simplicity. What you’re doing is automatically relaxing every part of your body simply by focusing on it. And when the body is relaxed, rest comes more easily. The other thing you’re doing – and this is where the mindfulness comes in – is stilling the mind. When you’re focused on each part of your body, you’re not thinking about the day or about what’s in store tomorrow. And when the mind is calm, rest comes more easily.
So if you find yourself stressed from time to time (as we all do), try cultivating more mindfulness during the day: just stop and be present with whatever you’re doing, so that you can make clearer choices. And if you find yourself carrying it with you to bed, try this simple exercise before reaching for the sleeping pills or the bottle of wine!
The Introverted Leader
I’m an introvert. And so are many other reasonably bright, well-rounded, effective individuals. So it’s not a bad thing. But I do believe that to be most effective, the introverted leader should examine what this personality style can mean in the context of leadership – and know how to leverage it successfully.
(And if you’re more of an extroverted leader by nature, this is still worth paying attention to: to lead well you need to understand all types of personalities – including the introverts).
What makes a person more introverted or extroverted? In simplified terms it’s about how we process our information and how we ‘recharge’: the extrovert will often examine his thoughts out loud to others, whereas the introvert is more likely to spend more time alone making sense of his. The extrovert will seek out others as a source of stimulation and energy, and the introvert will be pushed to the edge of exhaustion if she’s unable to take refuge in her own solitude. Introverts are typically more socially reserved than extroverts, and their presence can easily be missed in a roomful of people (this is not synonymous with ‘shy’, however – we’re not necessarily shy as much as we are ‘quiet and unassuming’).
So, then, can an introvert really be an effective leader? Of course she can – but in a rather different way than how we’re used to thinking about leaders: most of the politicians and other leaders we see in the public eye are extroverts. This is the type of leader we’re used to because they’re in front of us every day. They’re charismatic, outgoing, and animated. They have a commanding presence. They’re the ‘people people’.
But it’s important for the introverted leader to refrain from trying to emulate the extrovert just because that’s what others may expect. Developing stronger speaking skills and making the effort to connect with others in more dynamic ways, for instance, are important things to practice – but trying to be someone we’re not is inauthentic. And nobody likes a phony.
(Finding this balance can be a fine line sometimes, but we can always check in with ourselves with this simple question: “Am I trying to be someone I’m not, or am I genuinely trying to bring out the best of who I am and who I could be?”)
We all have the ability to stretch our personalities a little; to enlarge them enough to more effectively meet the world head-on, and to operate a little bit out of our comfort zones. The introvert can and should learn to present himself in more outgoing ways as the situation requires – but he should also understand that much of his effectiveness actually lies in his introversion: that his natural tendencies as an introvert also happen to be important leadership qualities.
The introvert’s innate leadership qualities are in his tendency to observe carefully and evaluate accurately before engaging a situation; in his habit of formulating his thoughts and planning his message before speaking; and in his ability to quickly cultivate quality relationships.
So, yes, introverts can make great leaders – but they do need to stretch their boundaries in order to be heard in an extroverted world. And just as importantly, they need to recognize and embrace their ‘gifts’ rather than resent their ‘shortcomings’.
Coaching Skills for Leaders (The Nuts and Bolts)
Research has shown that people perform at higher levels when they are coached as opposed to “managed”. So, you might be asking, what is coaching, in a nutshell? What are some of the tools I can use as a leader? How, specifically, do I have a “coaching” conversation?
Coaching is about inspiring and empowering others through meaningful conversations and effective questioning. It trusts that people possess the wisdom they need to discover and realize their own potential. Coaching meets a certain need for many people: it’s a forum for objective conversation and full exploration. It’s a rare opportunity for an individual to focus solely on him or herself for a full hour on a regular basis. It’s a conversation different from what you would have with colleagues, family, or friends. It’s a place to get support when counselling isn’t really the answer. It’s for people who are already doing well in many areas, but are seeking renewed opportunities for growth.
Coaching is both a science and an art. It’s about the combination of theory, practice, and interpersonal finesse. There are some good coach training programs that address these components in depth – which one article on the topic could never hope to duplicate.
There are, nonetheless, some coaching concepts of which to be aware: some ‘nuts and bolts’ that you can begin to incorporate into your own style of conversation and leadership. These, in my humble opinion, are the essentials:
Most importantly, you need to engage the interchange from a place of genuine curiosity: asking questions (and more questions) without anticipating or providing the answers, and listening carefully without assuming or rehearsing. It’s not about your interpretations; it’s about the coachee finding his or her own answers as you ask the questions that foster the search.
This is often easier said than done, but it’s a skill to be refined.
The other components of a typical coaching conversation, on top of active listening and purposeful questioning, include supporting and acknowledging, making requests, and providing the structure of accountability (the coachee is ultimately accountable only to himself, of course, but tends to stay in action when he knows that he will be reporting back to you on his successes).
These components in action might look something like this – a basic six-step coaching model:
1. Setting the stage:
- Why are we having this conversation? What brought you here?
- What are our respective roles?
2. Formulating and focusing the issues:
- What’s going on?
- What specifically do you want to change or accomplish?
3. Asking questions for further clarification and deeper exploration:
- What does that really mean?
- What area(s) do you want to work on first?
- What is important about this to you?
4. Developing goals through solution-focused questions:
- What will it look like when it’s how you want it to be?
- What exactly will you be thinking/feeling/doing when you reach your desired state?
5. Developing an action plan (making requests and offering feedback if appropriate):
- What do you need to do to make this happen? What strengths do you need to draw on, and what supports will you need?
- What is the first step?
- How will you know that you’re moving toward your goal?
- Can I ask you to experiment with…?
6. Following up (the process begins again)
- What went well last week, and why? Congratulations! How can you do more of that?
- Where did you get stuck? Why?
- What do you most want to focus on now?
- What do you most need to do to keep moving forward?
The important thing to remember throughout the process is that the relationship is key, and that you don’t need to have the answers. Getting caught up in doing it the ‘right way’ and worrying too much about the questions you ask will only impede the process. These concerns quickly become non-issues as you develop trust and rapport, and when you truly approach the conversation with genuine interest, concern, and selflessness.
Happy coaching!
Are You In The Habit Of Showing Up?
I’ve recently been trying to get ahold of someone to come and take a look at a problem I’m having with my roof. I’ve left three messages with this particular company, and none have been returned. Similarly, a few months ago I needed to get a potential moisture problem in my basement looked at. I phoned two different companies numerous times – one called me back once, but I missed the call and they were never to be heard from again. The other company booked a total of three appointments with me and did not show for any of them. The first time looked like an innocent-enough misunderstanding, but not showing for the second and third bookings I thought was just plain irresponsible.
A friend of mine suggested a service that he uses, and owner was at my house the next day, surveying the problem in a very professional manner. Why wasn’t it just that easy the first time around? Similarly, I recently called a local computer repair service to ask about my recent slow internet connection. I phoned three times over the week and didn’t receive any response. I finally gave up and phoned another service I’d never used before, whose technician walked me through a process on the phone that quickly fixed my problem (with no charge).
Why, I wondered, do some people just not show up?
Then I thought about what showing up really means, and I realized that it means different things in different contexts – but that the underlying principle is the same. It’s about ‘being there’. For a small business like the examples I gave, the act of not showing up could be a matter of life or death for their success. But what does it mean to consistently ‘show up’ in one’s life?
I’m reminded of something a friend told me recently: he had been working on a project that had inadvertently caused him to start to dig deeper into who he is – to examine his habits and practices as a human being. He informed me that an unexpected side-effect of this inquiry was that he has become more involved and available to the people in his life.
My friend has been honoring his commitments more now than he has done so in the past – consistently following through with the plans he makes with colleagues and friends. He’s apologized for some old hurts and mended a relationship with a family member. He has begun to be more present in his interactions: really listening to others and engaging in more meaningful levels of conversation.
In other words, my friend is learning what it means to “show up”. He’s discovered the importance of really ‘being there’ in all the areas of his life: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Being more consistent and reliable, open, present, and engaged, he says, has afforded him many benefits on many levels. And he just feels good about his life.
So as a leader, a business owner, a parent, a friend… are you in the habit of showing up? Do you meet your commitments? Are you reliable and dependable? Do you listen well and speak carefully? Do you treat every encounter as if there is something important to be both shared and learned?
How Often Do You Make Assumptions About Yourself?
There was a poll awhile ago on a writers’ site asking authors to share how long it typically takes them to write their articles. As I looked through the posted replies I was quite surprised at the average length it actually takes people to complete something that they are comfortable publishing.
Why this information caught me so off guard was because of the assumptions I had held about myself: I had assumed that I wasn’t a ‘natural writer’, and for that reason it naturally took me a lot longer than most other people. But it turns out that I was wrong.
I was also surprised that, after all the self-studying and growth I’ve done over the years, I was still harbouring unchallenged assumptions about myself and my abilities – comparing myself negatively to others without an ounce of data to back up my beliefs. After all, as a coach and psychologist, it’s my job to help others to see where they may be limiting themselves, and where they may be holding unfounded beliefs about themselves and others: to shed light on these areas and make the conscious decision to assess things more accurately. But apparently I don’t always do this with myself.
I’m aware that this example of me writing articles is rather trivial – but it begs a bigger question: where else am I unfairly limiting myself?
So now I’m reflecting on what other inaccurate assumptions I may be holding about myself. And I’m grateful for the reminder that we’re all a work in progress and that we needn’t become complacent about this.
What assumptions are you holding onto about yourself and your abilities? Think about this carefully, and then ask yourself how you really know whether these assumptions are accurate. The next time you find yourself saying, “that’s just the way I am” – or the next time you start to downplay your skills and abilities in comparison to others – it might be helpful to stop and ask yourself whether that’s truly the case. How do you know?
If you find that it’s not that easy to really know, you could at least examine the logic behind the belief: “Isn’t it true that if my assumption is based on incomplete or missing data, then the opposite assumption is just as plausible?”
This type of self-reflection works on two levels: First, it helps to boost our self-confidence as we realize that there’s no good reason to subordinate our own abilities, experience, and knowledge to that of others. Secondly, and just as importantly, it helps to keep us humble: assuming that we’re spotless may actually be preventing us from learning and understanding some critical pieces of insight and information.
The Benefits of Being Real
After a meeting with a client today I was struck at how positive my mood was. I reflected on why this was, and I came to the conclusion that it really boiled down to authenticity: to the opportunity for both of us to just ‘be real’. We both took advantage of that space that coaching affords – the space to just be able to speak openly and honestly, and to join one another as human beings sharing the human condition.
I thought about how important ‘being real’ really is, and about how difficult it is to define what this really means.
How often do we actually show up as our authentic selves? This is a difficult question, because it’s true that we often need to adapt our styles to suit our audience and the purpose of our interaction. So if we’re speaking and behaving one way to one person or group of people, and a different way to another, does that mean we’re not being authentic? How much can we change before we’re not being our ‘true selves’ any longer?
I think the answer lies with integrity. It’s a wonderful skill to be able to adapt and adjust our personal presentation to fit the need, but are we continuing to act with integrity with each role we assume? In other words, are we living true to our own beliefs and values? If I need to act more assertively in a given situation, for example, can I do it while still honouring my belief about the importance of respecting the rights of others? If I need to be diplomatic in another situation, can I still honour my value of self-expression?
The product of examining our beliefs and values is, hopefully, that we continue to be mindful of being real. And when we’re being real, people know exactly what they’re getting: they have a choice to build something more with us or not – but nobody’s time (including our own) is wasted. We can spare one another the disappointments that sometimes arise when true colours after the ‘honeymoon’ are shown. Authenticity also garners trust in the relationships we do build – and trust is the cornerstone of every productive interaction and win-win situation.
Are you clear about your beliefs and values? What are those ideals and understandings – about yourself, others, and the world at large – that you hold more closely than anything else?
How were these beliefs and values shaped? Are they operating consciously or unconsciously? In other words, do you really know why you do what you do – or do you often act out of habit only to regret it later? Can you make a point of acting in accordance with your adaptive, helpful beliefs and values – and revisit and challenge the outdated ones that may no longer be serving you well?
When we can do this, we can truly be our authentic selves – despite the adjustments we need to make in different situations. And it’s when we’re ‘real’ that we can build the kinds of relationships that help to get our needs met in a way that’s good for ourselves and others.
A Daily Dose of Gratitude
I was reading in the paper awhile ago about the guy who had won $17 million in the lottery. And if that wasn’t enough, in the last 5 years he’d also won two other lotteries valued at around $1 million each, as well as a couple more in the five-digits.
What was your automatic reaction when you read this – what immediately came up for you? Was it jealousy? Awe? Joy? Anger? Did your thoughts jump to how fortunate you are? Or to how things would be so much easier if only you had that kind of luck? What did you think about him personally: Did you dislike him? Did you see him as a worthy being, deserving of good fortune?
Any or all of these thoughts and feelings are, of course, completely natural: there is no inherent right or wrong in your reactions. But did your gut response become a negative feeling that stuck around for awhile, or was it just a fleeting sensation? Or maybe it had no real impact at all.
Our automatic thoughts and feelings about things like this might say something about our approach to life in general. So if we know someone whose responses to others’ good fortunes tend to lean toward the negative or self-defeating, it might help them to understand that there is an antidote to this. It lies in developing a stronger perspective of gratitude.
It seems to be a truth that in many circumstances what we focus on expands: we know that negativity breeds negativity, and we’ve all experienced a sense of strength when we’ve chosen to see positivity, hope, and possibility. So if we make a habit of developing a perspective of gratitude, we come to notice and acknowledge more quickly the fact that we truly win the lottery every day of our lives in many regards. And when we can do this, there’s no room left for envy or self-pity.
But this practice of gratitude isn’t just about comparing our fortunes – it’s also a helpful little tool to use when we feel stressed, over-worked, disrespected… the list can go on and on. It’s for whenever we find ourselves getting caught up in our own micro-level problems, and imagining our difficulties as being more significant than they really are. It’s for when we need to step out of our heads for a moment and reassess what’s really important in the here and now.
Ask someone you care about (or try it yourself, if you don’t already) to experiment with cultivating this perspective of gratitude. It’s truly as simple as making a point many times a day to just stop and take a look around, think about the love we have in our lives and the freedoms we enjoy, and just say “Thank you”. The gratitude doesn’t need to be directed toward anyone in particular: the sheer act of acknowledgment and expression is enough.
Stress Management and the Art of Being
I sat down to write this article today and I experienced a bit of a block – which, ironically, caused me some stress. And as I struggled with how to formulate the topic, I began to think about the process of writing itself, and how it might feel to actually ‘be a writer’ – to derive great natural enjoyment from being immersed in the process; easily getting into a state of ‘flow’. As I pondered on this I just began to type my thoughts about it (which I’ve actually saved elsewhere, likely to become the base of another article).
What was interesting thing to me, though, is that what I wrote actually seemed to ‘pour out of me’ as I was imagining and describing the process of spontaneous writing. In other words, I found myself in a ‘state of flow’ as I imagined what a state of flow might be like. The process wasn’t my typical labored, “type-backspace-retype-cut-and-paste-until-I’m-happy” method. And there was no stress involved.
So my original intent for this article was to highlight the virtues of learning to “just be” sometimes, as opposed to always having to “do” – but through this process I realized that ‘being’ and ‘doing’ aren’t necessarily exclusive ideas. And so the understanding I’d like to share is this:
The first piece is that it is important to learn to just ‘be’ sometimes (if we don’t normally make the effort to do so). We can easily get caught up in all the things we need to do, and rationalize to ourselves and others why we can’t take a break. Granted, there are certainly times when it’s not realistic to stop what we’re doing – but how often do we fool ourselves into thinking that this is always the case? It helps to examine our assumptions about this, and ask ourselves if things really will fall apart if we just stop for awhile.
We can also ask ourselves honestly if there are other reasons for our perpetual motion: perhaps it’s uncomfortable to be alone with our thoughts. Or perhaps we feel a sense of guilt when we’re not contributing. Or maybe we simply haven’t learned to be any other way. The point is that we need to reexamine where we can give ourselves the time and space sometimes to regenerate and just contemplate about nothing – and learn to trust that it’s okay to do so.
The second thought is that if you truly are a “doer” (and you’ve established that you’re not avoiding anything or perpetuating any false rationalizations by always “doing”), then perhaps try doing more things from a state of just “being” – in other words, where you can experience that sense of flow. Try doing something with your family just for the sake of spending time: really ‘being there’ with them without ruminating over the tasks you have to accomplish today. Go for a run and ‘get lost in your thoughts’ along the way. Hit the highway for a day-trip to nowhere. Write something just for fun…
Affording the Right Level of Autonomy
How much autonomy is appropriate to give? Empowering our children, employees, or anyone we’re leading is, we know, the best way to improve satisfaction, motivation, and commitment – but it also takes the right style and balance to pull it off successfully.
Do you tend to micromanage others: monitoring even the most routine tasks to ensure success (even if it’s done in the most gentle, people-friendly way)? Or do you allow others to express their creativity, make their own decisions, and learn from trial and error? Or do you do a bit of both, depending on the person and circumstance?
Chances are your answer is the latter: that’s what most of tend to do as leaders, and it’s probably the right thing. This is where our intuition comes in: we adjust our style based on what we see, what we know, and how we feel – as well as how we perceive the weight and probability of the potential outcomes.
But we all know people who micromanage when it’s unnecessary, as well as those who tend to give full rein when it might be inappropriate to do so.
So why might we micromanage when it’s not necessary? Often times it’s because we haven’t learned to trust – or because we don’t feel we can handle the stress inherent in ‘letting go’. And why might we give unbridled freedom when it may not be appropriate? It’s usually because we have blind spots: because we have too much faith either in others’ abilities to respond adaptively; or in the system or task itself to provide the structures and cues to keep behaviours in check.
Whether our belief system generally supports a more or less autocratic, participative, or free-rein style of leadership is largely a matter of personality and habit: preferred and comfortable ways of leading based upon our past experiences – either directly or through observation – and the interpretations we’ve made about those experiences.
The truth is that what’s needed in any given situation is more objective than subjective. It’s the interplay between the complexity and characteristics of the task itself, and the interpersonal styles, habits, and skills of the people we’re leading. The key is to observe these dynamics in play before jumping to an automatic style of leading the situation and players.
If we learn to provide more ‘management’ where it is needed, and to back off where we should, we allow others to experience increased feelings of efficacy and success – which strengthen the internal reward system that fosters motivation. Appropriate levels of autonomy also support and enable more effective skill development, critical thought, and innovation.
The Flu Shot: Should I or Shouldn’t I?
You’ve probably heard all you want to hear about the Flu vaccination by now: I know I certainly have. So this article isn’t really about the flu shot – it’s actually about making decisions. What brought his topic to mind, though, is that I’ve recently decided to forego the shot this year and go the homeopathic route instead.
Is this because I know better than those who advocate the vaccination? No. Might I end up regretting not getting the shot? Maybe. I don’t know.
And it’s precisely because I don’t know that I had to make that decision with my gut. This doesn’t mean that my gut is necessarily right – but because of the vast array of conflicting opinions and information to be found on the topic, my head simply wasn’t able to make the choice.
But, again, this isn’t just about the flu shot – it’s about all of the personal decisions we need to make in our continuous striving for growth and wholeness. Ideally, we can search for the information we need, find it, and make a decision based on what we’ve just learned (assuming that it’s accurate). Unfortunately, though, there are a lot of things that just don’t work that way. And so we have to make a decision based on other things and hope for the best.
We all do the best with what we’ve got at any given point, and we can never predict with 100% accuracy how things are going to turn out. All of our decisions are based upon some combination of past experience, hard data and hearsay, intuition and faith. Sometimes we’re guided by our values and beliefs, and at other times we feel safer playing the odds. In any case, decisions have to be made.
But it’s important to understand the difference between the decisions that are irresponsibly founded on intuition (where if we actually cared to do the work we could come up with something more informed), and the decisions that need to be made when intuition is truly all we’ve got.
It takes a lot of discipline, patience, and critical thought to thoroughly examine and investigate our options and the potential implications of our choices – to do our due diligence. But it’s an important endeavour: many people too often get lazy with this and act mindlessly and impulsively; sometimes with serious consequences. And many of us also tend to take it too far the other way: we over-think our lives and ultimately succumb to overwhelm and ‘analysis paralysis’ – never taking the risks that can lead to great rewards.
So let’s always remember to be thoughtful with our choices, and take care in our actions. And when we do feel stuck, fearful, or confused after an honest assessment, let’s learn to trust that things often turn out okay anyway – and that we can handle the unanticipated variables with grace and resilience.