Posts Tagged ‘Development’
The Structure of Accountability
I’m the first to admit that I’m not a natural-born writer. The words don’t always come easily, and I sometimes don’t know exactly what it is I’m trying to say. So why am I writing this article? It’s primarily because I want to: I do have things to say, and I do want to share them with others. I’ve also decided that writing articles is good for my business because it helps to keep me in front of potential clients and customers.
But because my love of writing is not as strong as I wish it was, I don’t typically jump all over the chance to sit at the keyboard for a half-hour trying to think of what to say. So despite all the great motivations I have for writing this article, there is another reason it’s actually getting done: it’s because I’m accountable to someone besides myself to do it.
I made a commitment to my friend, Mark, that I would write an article once a month for his online newspaper. This has proven to be a win-win situation: Mark gets content for his paper, and I have a structure that helps me to do something I want to do (but doesn’t carry the inherent reward-power to allow me do it on my own).
If left to my own devices I probably would write regularly for a few months, then it might become more sporadic, then it might dwindle down to nothing at all. But because of my commitment to Mark I’m sitting here now writing this article. And I’m glad I am: I’ll get to experience a sense of accomplishment, and I’ll get to continue to share my thoughts with others, as well as continue to keep my name out there.
So I know that accountability is a powerful structure when one wants to get things done. It’s also free and easy, and can help with a host of behaviours.
A friend of mine, to give another example, has had a hard time quitting smoking. He’d tried it many times and always started up again. But when he was truly ready to quit, he shared his intention with his children. He knew, as hard as it would be, that once he had told his kids and got their hopes up he would never light up again. And he didn’t. He was truly ready to quit, but didn’t feel he could quite do it on his own. He was wise enough to leverage the structure of accountability.
What have you been putting off that you know you want or need to do? What self-motivation strategies do you employ? Could you also leverage the structure of accountability? Could you offer to be the one that others could be accountable to?
Mindfulness for Stress Reduction and Better Sleep
There seems to be a lot written about mindfulness lately, and so I’ve sort of steered away from the topic. But I was reminded again recently about how important a topic it really is: how one simple practice can make such a difference to one’s well-being.
I have a friend who has been having trouble sleeping due to stress and ruminating at night, and when I had suggested mindfulness mediation her response reminded me how many people tend to see this practice as new-age ‘hocus pocus’. The fact is, though, that this practice has been used for thousands of years; long before the western ‘new-agers’ ever got ahold of it.
Mindfulness is a simple concept; although not always easy to employ. It simply means (according to at least one definition) just being here right now. Non-judgmentally being with this moment. And this moment. And this moment…
Our bodies do not easily differentiate fantasy from reality, so when we’re ruminating about the days’ events or about what’s going to play out tomorrow, or bodies respond as if the mental scenario we’re playing out is really happening. The body then goes into its stress response and we can’t sleep. Or digest well. Or relax. Or think clearly.
So during the day it helps to remind ourselves to just be right here right now. If we take a moment, use the breath as an anchor to just be really present (just observing the breath going all the way in and all the way out, without trying to control it in any way), we realize that literally nothing is really going on at this particular moment: the stress we feel is purely a manifestation of what’s going on in our head at that moment.
There are many ways to cultivate mindfulness in daily life (and it does take ongoing practice), but I won’t get into them for the purposes of this article. I will, however, go back to the topic of sleep and share a mindfulness-based exercise for calming the mind at night (when ordinary problems appear much bigger), so that we can get the rest and repair we need.
I had been giving a workshop sometime ago about sleep, when one of the participants shared a great strategy. It’s something I continue to use regularly, and I wish I knew who he was so that I could give him proper credit. He did not call it mindfulness meditation, but as he explained the simple technique I knew that that was exactly what it was:
The next time you have a hard time sleeping, particularly because you’re ruminating, the first rule is to remember that just by lying there you’re getting most of the metabolic rest you need. So don’t stress about trying to sleep. Don’t even try to sleep – that only makes things worse. Rather, try slowly and persistently saying ‘Goodnight’ to every little piece of your body: “Goodnight toes. Goodnight balls of the feet. Good night tops of the feet. Goodnight ankles. Goodnight calf muscles…” You get the picture. And when you start to drift off or wander, force yourself to continue with the exercise.
This exercise may sound silly, but it’s very powerful in its simplicity. What you’re doing is automatically relaxing every part of your body simply by focusing on it. And when the body is relaxed, rest comes more easily. The other thing you’re doing – and this is where the mindfulness comes in – is stilling the mind. When you’re focused on each part of your body, you’re not thinking about the day or about what’s in store tomorrow. And when the mind is calm, rest comes more easily.
So if you find yourself stressed from time to time (as we all do), try cultivating more mindfulness during the day: just stop and be present with whatever you’re doing, so that you can make clearer choices. And if you find yourself carrying it with you to bed, try this simple exercise before reaching for the sleeping pills or the bottle of wine!
Mini-Vacations to Relieve Stress
Last night I was walking home from the tanning salon listening to Billy Joel’s “Glass Houses” on my iPod, and I felt really, really good: both mentally and physically. I actually felt like I do when I’m on vacation; if only for a brief moment in an otherwise hectic week. I felt as though ten minutes in a tanning bed and a twenty minute walk had completely reset my system. For that moment I was devoid of any stress, and I was filled with total relaxation and endorphin-induced bliss and calm – sort of like I feel when I’m laying in a cot somewhere on a beach in Mexico.
The purpose of this article is not to debate the merits and risks of artificial tanning (I’m doing it to help correct an apparent Vitamin D deficiency), but rather to highlight the benefits of ‘mini-vacations’ – whatever form that takes for you (likewise, this article isn’t a plug for Billy Joel: I just happen to think that Glass Houses is a great album, and it always succeeds in taking me out of my head for awhile!)
I thought about these mini-vacations, and how I don’t do this often enough. I have a habit of waiting for the ‘right time’ to engage in self-care, and I tend to view a break as something that needs to cost money and time. But stress relief isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. And it can be done for free and in small increments.
I also came to realize that I don’t always know I’m stressed until I’m not any more – and that it’s a good idea to be proactive instead of reactive. When stress starts to show up physically, it’s gone too far: when you start to experience things like gastrointestinal problems, tension headaches, and problems sleeping, you haven’t really been listening to your body up to that point.
So a good way to combat stress is to be proactive with our health by taking these ‘mini-vacations’. For me that might be a ten-minute tan and a walk with Billy Joel. But a mini-vacation can take a million forms (and of course a mental health breaks should be longer than a half hour, but sometimes it’s all we can afford).
What do you do to be proactive with your stress? Do you take regular time off? Do you practice good time management? Do you stay active and engaged with your passions? Do you get enough sleep, eat well, and meditate? Could you make it a point to take regular mini-vacations?
A Healthy Dose of Optimism
I heard a great quote recently that got me to thinking about what it means to be optimistic: “If life doesn’t give you at least a little sugar as well, your lemonade’s gonna suck”. In other words, a positive attitude isn’t always sufficient in and of itself.
I come from a strength-based, solution-focused approach to coaching and life. I’m a firm believer in the adage, “whatever we focus on expands”; and so it’s my preference to focus on strengths and possibilities. I’m a champion of unlimited human potential and inner wisdom, and I’ve always believed that there is more good to be found than evil. I’ve always believed that somehow, on some level, the things that need to be worked out eventually will. Needless to say, I’ve always considered myself an optimist.
But I’ve recently come to understand something important and eye-opening about the nature of my optimism. I’ve come to see it, in many regards, as a façade that effectively served to mask my naivety and ignorance – and to protect me from the harsh realities of life.
Through my quest over the past year to understand more about the world and our impact in it – how we interact with the earth and with one another – I found myself becoming increasingly cynical about human nature. As my knowledge and understanding accumulated, my disenchantment was feeding a growing sense of pessimism.
It was a spontaneous discussion about caring one day, though, initiated by my six-year-old son, which made me realize that I had actually let the pendulum swing too far: I realized that being a pessimist wasn’t going to do any of us any good. I also realized that the pessimism I found at the other end of the pendulum was just as much a façade as my optimism: it was really a strategy to protect me from feeling the pains ones can feel from truly acknowledging life’s harsh realities. It was easier to feel angry and cynical than sad and despondent.
So it took an intense year-long journey to open my eyes; and a conversation with a child to refocus them. And I hope now that I’m closer to that middle ground: that healthy dose of optimism.
So what’s the difference between a healthy and unhealthy optimism? The former, in my opinion, embodies a more realistic perspective on things with a sense of hope and possibility attached to it. The latter, I’ve come to see, is simply a ‘happy-face’ mask designed to hide ignorance, fear, and denial.
A healthy optimism entails the willingness to see the ugly things as they really are – to feel discouraged and angry when appropriate – but also remembering to engage fully with the beauty that does exist. Focusing on what is right and good in the world, without turning a blind eye to the rest, can give us the encouragement and strength we need to make right the things that need to be made right.
Are you typically an optimist or a pessimist? Or maybe you consider yourself more of a realist. Or maybe it depends on the situation. It really doesn’t matter: the point is that it helps to take stock of the assumptions we tend to make, and the ways in which we typically choose to approach the world. We need to maintain a hopeful but balanced perspective in order to lead change effectively.
The Introverted Leader
I’m an introvert. And so are many other reasonably bright, well-rounded, effective individuals. So it’s not a bad thing. But I do believe that to be most effective, the introverted leader should examine what this personality style can mean in the context of leadership – and know how to leverage it successfully.
(And if you’re more of an extroverted leader by nature, this is still worth paying attention to: to lead well you need to understand all types of personalities – including the introverts).
What makes a person more introverted or extroverted? In simplified terms it’s about how we process our information and how we ‘recharge’: the extrovert will often examine his thoughts out loud to others, whereas the introvert is more likely to spend more time alone making sense of his. The extrovert will seek out others as a source of stimulation and energy, and the introvert will be pushed to the edge of exhaustion if she’s unable to take refuge in her own solitude. Introverts are typically more socially reserved than extroverts, and their presence can easily be missed in a roomful of people (this is not synonymous with ‘shy’, however – we’re not necessarily shy as much as we are ‘quiet and unassuming’).
So, then, can an introvert really be an effective leader? Of course she can – but in a rather different way than how we’re used to thinking about leaders: most of the politicians and other leaders we see in the public eye are extroverts. This is the type of leader we’re used to because they’re in front of us every day. They’re charismatic, outgoing, and animated. They have a commanding presence. They’re the ‘people people’.
But it’s important for the introverted leader to refrain from trying to emulate the extrovert just because that’s what others may expect. Developing stronger speaking skills and making the effort to connect with others in more dynamic ways, for instance, are important things to practice – but trying to be someone we’re not is inauthentic. And nobody likes a phony.
(Finding this balance can be a fine line sometimes, but we can always check in with ourselves with this simple question: “Am I trying to be someone I’m not, or am I genuinely trying to bring out the best of who I am and who I could be?”)
We all have the ability to stretch our personalities a little; to enlarge them enough to more effectively meet the world head-on, and to operate a little bit out of our comfort zones. The introvert can and should learn to present himself in more outgoing ways as the situation requires – but he should also understand that much of his effectiveness actually lies in his introversion: that his natural tendencies as an introvert also happen to be important leadership qualities.
The introvert’s innate leadership qualities are in his tendency to observe carefully and evaluate accurately before engaging a situation; in his habit of formulating his thoughts and planning his message before speaking; and in his ability to quickly cultivate quality relationships.
So, yes, introverts can make great leaders – but they do need to stretch their boundaries in order to be heard in an extroverted world. And just as importantly, they need to recognize and embrace their ‘gifts’ rather than resent their ‘shortcomings’.
Coaching Skills for Leaders (The Nuts and Bolts)
Research has shown that people perform at higher levels when they are coached as opposed to “managed”. So, you might be asking, what is coaching, in a nutshell? What are some of the tools I can use as a leader? How, specifically, do I have a “coaching” conversation?
Coaching is about inspiring and empowering others through meaningful conversations and effective questioning. It trusts that people possess the wisdom they need to discover and realize their own potential. Coaching meets a certain need for many people: it’s a forum for objective conversation and full exploration. It’s a rare opportunity for an individual to focus solely on him or herself for a full hour on a regular basis. It’s a conversation different from what you would have with colleagues, family, or friends. It’s a place to get support when counselling isn’t really the answer. It’s for people who are already doing well in many areas, but are seeking renewed opportunities for growth.
Coaching is both a science and an art. It’s about the combination of theory, practice, and interpersonal finesse. There are some good coach training programs that address these components in depth – which one article on the topic could never hope to duplicate.
There are, nonetheless, some coaching concepts of which to be aware: some ‘nuts and bolts’ that you can begin to incorporate into your own style of conversation and leadership. These, in my humble opinion, are the essentials:
Most importantly, you need to engage the interchange from a place of genuine curiosity: asking questions (and more questions) without anticipating or providing the answers, and listening carefully without assuming or rehearsing. It’s not about your interpretations; it’s about the coachee finding his or her own answers as you ask the questions that foster the search.
This is often easier said than done, but it’s a skill to be refined.
The other components of a typical coaching conversation, on top of active listening and purposeful questioning, include supporting and acknowledging, making requests, and providing the structure of accountability (the coachee is ultimately accountable only to himself, of course, but tends to stay in action when he knows that he will be reporting back to you on his successes).
These components in action might look something like this – a basic six-step coaching model:
1. Setting the stage:
- Why are we having this conversation? What brought you here?
- What are our respective roles?
2. Formulating and focusing the issues:
- What’s going on?
- What specifically do you want to change or accomplish?
3. Asking questions for further clarification and deeper exploration:
- What does that really mean?
- What area(s) do you want to work on first?
- What is important about this to you?
4. Developing goals through solution-focused questions:
- What will it look like when it’s how you want it to be?
- What exactly will you be thinking/feeling/doing when you reach your desired state?
5. Developing an action plan (making requests and offering feedback if appropriate):
- What do you need to do to make this happen? What strengths do you need to draw on, and what supports will you need?
- What is the first step?
- How will you know that you’re moving toward your goal?
- Can I ask you to experiment with…?
6. Following up (the process begins again)
- What went well last week, and why? Congratulations! How can you do more of that?
- Where did you get stuck? Why?
- What do you most want to focus on now?
- What do you most need to do to keep moving forward?
The important thing to remember throughout the process is that the relationship is key, and that you don’t need to have the answers. Getting caught up in doing it the ‘right way’ and worrying too much about the questions you ask will only impede the process. These concerns quickly become non-issues as you develop trust and rapport, and when you truly approach the conversation with genuine interest, concern, and selflessness.
Happy coaching!
Are You In The Habit Of Showing Up?
I’ve recently been trying to get ahold of someone to come and take a look at a problem I’m having with my roof. I’ve left three messages with this particular company, and none have been returned. Similarly, a few months ago I needed to get a potential moisture problem in my basement looked at. I phoned two different companies numerous times – one called me back once, but I missed the call and they were never to be heard from again. The other company booked a total of three appointments with me and did not show for any of them. The first time looked like an innocent-enough misunderstanding, but not showing for the second and third bookings I thought was just plain irresponsible.
A friend of mine suggested a service that he uses, and owner was at my house the next day, surveying the problem in a very professional manner. Why wasn’t it just that easy the first time around? Similarly, I recently called a local computer repair service to ask about my recent slow internet connection. I phoned three times over the week and didn’t receive any response. I finally gave up and phoned another service I’d never used before, whose technician walked me through a process on the phone that quickly fixed my problem (with no charge).
Why, I wondered, do some people just not show up?
Then I thought about what showing up really means, and I realized that it means different things in different contexts – but that the underlying principle is the same. It’s about ‘being there’. For a small business like the examples I gave, the act of not showing up could be a matter of life or death for their success. But what does it mean to consistently ‘show up’ in one’s life?
I’m reminded of something a friend told me recently: he had been working on a project that had inadvertently caused him to start to dig deeper into who he is – to examine his habits and practices as a human being. He informed me that an unexpected side-effect of this inquiry was that he has become more involved and available to the people in his life.
My friend has been honoring his commitments more now than he has done so in the past – consistently following through with the plans he makes with colleagues and friends. He’s apologized for some old hurts and mended a relationship with a family member. He has begun to be more present in his interactions: really listening to others and engaging in more meaningful levels of conversation.
In other words, my friend is learning what it means to “show up”. He’s discovered the importance of really ‘being there’ in all the areas of his life: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Being more consistent and reliable, open, present, and engaged, he says, has afforded him many benefits on many levels. And he just feels good about his life.
So as a leader, a business owner, a parent, a friend… are you in the habit of showing up? Do you meet your commitments? Are you reliable and dependable? Do you listen well and speak carefully? Do you treat every encounter as if there is something important to be both shared and learned?
How Often Do You Make Assumptions About Yourself?
There was a poll awhile ago on a writers’ site asking authors to share how long it typically takes them to write their articles. As I looked through the posted replies I was quite surprised at the average length it actually takes people to complete something that they are comfortable publishing.
Why this information caught me so off guard was because of the assumptions I had held about myself: I had assumed that I wasn’t a ‘natural writer’, and for that reason it naturally took me a lot longer than most other people. But it turns out that I was wrong.
I was also surprised that, after all the self-studying and growth I’ve done over the years, I was still harbouring unchallenged assumptions about myself and my abilities – comparing myself negatively to others without an ounce of data to back up my beliefs. After all, as a coach and psychologist, it’s my job to help others to see where they may be limiting themselves, and where they may be holding unfounded beliefs about themselves and others: to shed light on these areas and make the conscious decision to assess things more accurately. But apparently I don’t always do this with myself.
I’m aware that this example of me writing articles is rather trivial – but it begs a bigger question: where else am I unfairly limiting myself?
So now I’m reflecting on what other inaccurate assumptions I may be holding about myself. And I’m grateful for the reminder that we’re all a work in progress and that we needn’t become complacent about this.
What assumptions are you holding onto about yourself and your abilities? Think about this carefully, and then ask yourself how you really know whether these assumptions are accurate. The next time you find yourself saying, “that’s just the way I am” – or the next time you start to downplay your skills and abilities in comparison to others – it might be helpful to stop and ask yourself whether that’s truly the case. How do you know?
If you find that it’s not that easy to really know, you could at least examine the logic behind the belief: “Isn’t it true that if my assumption is based on incomplete or missing data, then the opposite assumption is just as plausible?”
This type of self-reflection works on two levels: First, it helps to boost our self-confidence as we realize that there’s no good reason to subordinate our own abilities, experience, and knowledge to that of others. Secondly, and just as importantly, it helps to keep us humble: assuming that we’re spotless may actually be preventing us from learning and understanding some critical pieces of insight and information.
A Daily Dose of Gratitude
I was reading in the paper awhile ago about the guy who had won $17 million in the lottery. And if that wasn’t enough, in the last 5 years he’d also won two other lotteries valued at around $1 million each, as well as a couple more in the five-digits.
What was your automatic reaction when you read this – what immediately came up for you? Was it jealousy? Awe? Joy? Anger? Did your thoughts jump to how fortunate you are? Or to how things would be so much easier if only you had that kind of luck? What did you think about him personally: Did you dislike him? Did you see him as a worthy being, deserving of good fortune?
Any or all of these thoughts and feelings are, of course, completely natural: there is no inherent right or wrong in your reactions. But did your gut response become a negative feeling that stuck around for awhile, or was it just a fleeting sensation? Or maybe it had no real impact at all.
Our automatic thoughts and feelings about things like this might say something about our approach to life in general. So if we know someone whose responses to others’ good fortunes tend to lean toward the negative or self-defeating, it might help them to understand that there is an antidote to this. It lies in developing a stronger perspective of gratitude.
It seems to be a truth that in many circumstances what we focus on expands: we know that negativity breeds negativity, and we’ve all experienced a sense of strength when we’ve chosen to see positivity, hope, and possibility. So if we make a habit of developing a perspective of gratitude, we come to notice and acknowledge more quickly the fact that we truly win the lottery every day of our lives in many regards. And when we can do this, there’s no room left for envy or self-pity.
But this practice of gratitude isn’t just about comparing our fortunes – it’s also a helpful little tool to use when we feel stressed, over-worked, disrespected… the list can go on and on. It’s for whenever we find ourselves getting caught up in our own micro-level problems, and imagining our difficulties as being more significant than they really are. It’s for when we need to step out of our heads for a moment and reassess what’s really important in the here and now.
Ask someone you care about (or try it yourself, if you don’t already) to experiment with cultivating this perspective of gratitude. It’s truly as simple as making a point many times a day to just stop and take a look around, think about the love we have in our lives and the freedoms we enjoy, and just say “Thank you”. The gratitude doesn’t need to be directed toward anyone in particular: the sheer act of acknowledgment and expression is enough.
Stress Management and the Art of Being
I sat down to write this article today and I experienced a bit of a block – which, ironically, caused me some stress. And as I struggled with how to formulate the topic, I began to think about the process of writing itself, and how it might feel to actually ‘be a writer’ – to derive great natural enjoyment from being immersed in the process; easily getting into a state of ‘flow’. As I pondered on this I just began to type my thoughts about it (which I’ve actually saved elsewhere, likely to become the base of another article).
What was interesting thing to me, though, is that what I wrote actually seemed to ‘pour out of me’ as I was imagining and describing the process of spontaneous writing. In other words, I found myself in a ‘state of flow’ as I imagined what a state of flow might be like. The process wasn’t my typical labored, “type-backspace-retype-cut-and-paste-until-I’m-happy” method. And there was no stress involved.
So my original intent for this article was to highlight the virtues of learning to “just be” sometimes, as opposed to always having to “do” – but through this process I realized that ‘being’ and ‘doing’ aren’t necessarily exclusive ideas. And so the understanding I’d like to share is this:
The first piece is that it is important to learn to just ‘be’ sometimes (if we don’t normally make the effort to do so). We can easily get caught up in all the things we need to do, and rationalize to ourselves and others why we can’t take a break. Granted, there are certainly times when it’s not realistic to stop what we’re doing – but how often do we fool ourselves into thinking that this is always the case? It helps to examine our assumptions about this, and ask ourselves if things really will fall apart if we just stop for awhile.
We can also ask ourselves honestly if there are other reasons for our perpetual motion: perhaps it’s uncomfortable to be alone with our thoughts. Or perhaps we feel a sense of guilt when we’re not contributing. Or maybe we simply haven’t learned to be any other way. The point is that we need to reexamine where we can give ourselves the time and space sometimes to regenerate and just contemplate about nothing – and learn to trust that it’s okay to do so.
The second thought is that if you truly are a “doer” (and you’ve established that you’re not avoiding anything or perpetuating any false rationalizations by always “doing”), then perhaps try doing more things from a state of just “being” – in other words, where you can experience that sense of flow. Try doing something with your family just for the sake of spending time: really ‘being there’ with them without ruminating over the tasks you have to accomplish today. Go for a run and ‘get lost in your thoughts’ along the way. Hit the highway for a day-trip to nowhere. Write something just for fun…