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The study of leadership is certainly not a new one, and there are almost too many theories to count. A quick internet search, however (psychology.about.com), identifies that most of the different leadership theories that have emerged over the years can be classified into a handful of major types:

“Great Man” Theories
Trait Theories
Contingency Theories
Situational Theories
Behavioral Theories
Parcipitative Theories
Relationship Theories/Transformational Leadership
Management theories/Transactional Leadership.

There are various theories and models listed under each type, and they’re well worth looking into. The style of leadership you adopt can either be a success or a failure, depending upon a myriad of factors: what works with one personality in one environment may not work in the next. Understanding the theories listed above (and any others floating around out there) can help you clarify what you believe to be true about leadership, and how you might best approach your own leadership development.

Within any of these theories, however, the individual leader and his or her preferences also need to be taken into account. In addition to the leadership theories that have been studied, there are also many leadership “styles” listed in the literature. Again, a quick internet search identifies some of the more common ones discussed:

Autocratic or Authoritarian Leadership

Participative or Democratic Leadership

Laissez-Faire Leadership

Servant Leadership

Transactional Leadership

Transformational Leadership

Situational Leadership

Again, these appear to be some the most prominent; but there are other leadership styles identified in the literature that would be worth researching for yourself. I’ve included these ones in particular for two reasons: one because they seem to have the most written about them; and two because these are the styles I see most often in my own leadership coaching practice.

Unfortunately I see examples of Authoritarian Leadership more often than I’d like; where the leader makes decisions unilaterally and often unfairly. And outside of military or paramilitary organizations, this never works. The other styles listed can be more or less effective depending on the environment, culture, and people involved; and you’d be wise to know the difference.

Transformative Leadership is one of the more contemporary styles to be identified, and is often touted as one of the most effective. It is about inspiring others and sharing a greater vision. This type of leadership is great, of course; but it’s often best balanced by a Transactional Leadership style based on role compliance and incentives for achievement. Of the styles listed above, my own bias falls toward Hersey and Blanchard’s Situational Leadership; where the leader is able to adjust his or style in response to the unique situation or task at hand.

So what is your leadership style?

Where do you want to be a better leader? Perhaps it’s at home with your kids. Or maybe you’re looking for a promotion at work. Or maybe you just want to be a stronger role model in your community… Wherever you want to be a leader, you can – as long as you’ve got the passion as well as the ability to reflect, learn, and grow.

Your leadership development plan begins with an assessment of who you are and who you want to be. When targeting areas for this step, try to just pick two or three to start with. Some actions we take will have a more broader-reaching impact, and will accelerate our growth more quickly than others. Choose a couple of areas that you really feel are priorities. You can always add on to the list and increase the complexity of your plan later.

As possible goal areas, consider any and all ideas that come to you through your ongoing self-reflection. And think about where you can begin to practice your leadership skills: what non-threatening situations can you identify to practice on a small scale? – It’s really about flexing the muscles and developing smaller habits that lead to new ways of being.

Also be creative when thinking about the supports you need to help with your leadership growth. Perhaps a manager or mentor can help create leadership opportunities for you. Maybe there’s a training course you can sign up for at work or in your community…

Remember that it’s important to be flexible in your thinking when creating and acting on your leadership development plan. In order to grow, we need to do some things differently than we have in the past!

Here are a few quotes I like to serve as food for thought in this regard:

“He that is good with a hammer tends to think everything is a nail.” – Abraham Maslow

“The most damaging phrase in the language is: ‘It’s always been done that way.’” – Rear Admiral Grace Hopper

“Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

“I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” – Pablo Picasso

“It takes a habit to replace a habit.” – Napoleon Hill

Here are some questions to get started. Answer them in as much detail as you can, and take as much time as necessary to make them clear and actionable:

What do you see as your major strengths?

What do you see as your areas for growth?

Which skills related to your leadership is it most important for you to develop?

In what ways can you apply your strengths to more areas of your work and life?

How can you strengthen the weaknesses you identified?

What resources do you need to strengthen these skills?

How will you know when you are successful?

All of these questions are equally important, and they’re not easy to answer. They take a great deal of time and reflection, and they require complete honesty and candor. You will also need to revisit them regularly, and ask as many people as you can to answer them for you as well – and be prepared and willing to hear their answers.

Also take the time to revisit the last question until you have a crystal-clear answer: we can’t get to where we’re going until we know exactly where it is we’re headed!

When I started coaching some time back, I made it my mission to absorb as much information as I could about communication and leadership: devouring books on leadership models, leadership coaching, business, etc. I interviewed leaders on different levels in different sectors, and noted their common themes and struggles. I spoke with numerous teams to hear their experiences…

Eventually I hit that place of circular learning: where whatever you read or do, you encounter the same themes. The ‘nothing new under the sun’ phenomenon (or what they refer to in some research models as ‘saturation’). 

And really, the themes are not difficult: if you ask a bunch of lay-people what types of leadership communication and relationship styles they believe to be most effective, they would come up with similar ideas.

So I began to think that this was too easy: that this knowledge isn’t rocket science, and that the paradigm shift from a harsh micro-management, or a disconnected, style of leadership to a more effective ‘people-centered’ approach clearly must have already happened without me. I thought that maybe I missed the ball and that I’d have to redefine my niche.

But to this day, whenever I speak with teams, I know that I was way off base with my presumption. Over and over I continue to hear the same complaints: a lack of strong leadership – particularly in terms of unclear, autocratic, or even no communication.

I know that there are also some very effective leadership styles that aren’t exactly what you’d call ‘people-friendly’ – and that different situations call for different responses. But all in all, I think we know what works best for the majority of circumstances and environments.

But why do many of us revert to old habits, or continue to do what goes against what we know to be a better way?

We do this for a number of reasons. First of all, because we’re human. And most of us are not villains: we do what we need to do to get the job done quickly for the higher good or common goal – whether our delivery is popular or not (and this certainly does take some courage). We also tend to revert back to automatic ways of being when we’re under stress.

And change is hard.

But to sustain a change we need to remain conscious of the alignment, or misalignment, of our intentions and our actions – and we need to understand and buy into why it might be important to practice a more people-centered approach (hint: things like morale and retention; better group cohesion leading to better initiatives; reduced conflict and stress – you get the idea).

We need to purposely and consistently examine our habits, patterns, and beliefs – and not be afraid to venture out of our comfort zones to experiment with different styles.

As leaders, this ‘venturing out’ is quite often our norm. So why not in the areas of interpersonal relationships and more emotionally-intelligent communication? 

The best way to do this is to ask for specific and honest feedback from those most impacted by our actions: by asking how we come across now, and what might work better (and, of course, being willing to hear it). In addition, hiring a coach to help identify developmental opportunities, and staying on track with them, can be a very effective strategy.

A solid level of trust is paramount to any situation where individuals and teams need to reach a common set of goals. And the cornerstones of trust are assertive communication and consistency in behavior.

People often confuse “assertive” with “aggressive”, but they couldn’t be any different. Assertive basically means standing up for one’s own rights while respecting the rights of the other. Aggressive, on the other hand, means standing up for your own rights while disrespecting or disregarding the rights of the other.

(These are both different from passivity: the third style of communication. Being passive simply means allowing your own rights to be violated in your interactions.)

So with this definition in mind, assertive communication implies interactions that are clear, direct, respectful, and purposeful. In order for people or teams to develop trust between one another, both parties need to know what they want from their interactions; and they need to communicate their needs and desires in a way that is understood. They also need to be sure that they understand the other party’s positions and requests, and they need to be focused on outcomes that best meet the interests of all involved.

(Of course this isn’t always possible, but the more all parties strive for this ideal the greater levels of trust will be built.)

In addition to this assertive communication, trust requires a high degree of behavioral consistency. In other words, in order to build trust people need to “walk the walk and talk the talk” in a variety of situations over time – and they need to have a solid track record of integrity and results.

Basically stated, when we know what to expect of one another – and we’re usually happy with the results of their actions – trust is maintained. (And as they say, trust takes forever to develop but is broken at the drop of a hat.)

So in order to fortify and develop trust between one another, we need to regularly engage in assertive communication and be consistent in our behaviors – and we can only do our own part in this equation; modeling this way of being in the hopes that that’s how others will begin to interact with us.

And on a final note, it also helps if we can develop some sort of relationship with the people around us: people do business with people they know, like, and respect. Sharing a bit of ourselves and building rapport with others in a meaningful way can help us all interact more assertively and consistently.

I got thinking about this question after receiving an email from my mother some time ago. The structure of the email was that it asked a bunch of personal questions, and you were supposed to fill it out and send it onto your friends. Your friends were then able to see how much they knew about you; as well as learn some new things they didn’t know.

Truth be told, I was a little surprised (and more than a little ashamed) that seventy-five percent or so of the answers completed by my mother was new information to me.

My mother’s responses contained some obvious things I couldn’t help but know after being acquainted with her for 40 years; but there were also a lot of things I would only have known had I actually asked. It made me realize that I actually know very little about the people in my life outside the regular stuff I see every day.

Despite “knowing” certain people in my life for many years, I realized that within each one resides a whole world I’ve never seen: a world filled with hopes and dreams; likes and dislikes; goals and fears; victories and disappointments.

Within each one lies a history of choices and experiences that have shaped who they’ve become, and have brought them to where they are today: experiences rich with lessons to be shared and morals to be embraced. 

I hope that you’ve put more effort into knowing the important people in your life than I have. If not, think about how much more enriched your life could be; simply by asking them about the things they don’t generally share for the sake of casual conversation.

The way to strengthen or develop a relationship is to identify what is already working – or at least the possibilities and potential – as well as an awareness of what isn’t. We can then maximize the positive aspects of the relationship while working together to develop and practice more adaptive alternatives to what’s broken. Exactly how to do this is beyond the scope of this article (and is explored in depth in Building Better Relationships) – but a good place to start is looking at how you relate to others:

Having this awareness helps foster successful relationships because it gives you the opportunity to identify what you do well, as well as identify new behaviors to try on. It also fosters insight into which types of personalities, environments, and situations you prefer.

Knowing this allows you to make some conscious decisions and plan accordingly. It allows you to decide with whom and where you can easily develop relationships, and with whom and where you choose to step out of your comfort zone (or not). You can decide which relationships will come more naturally and easily; and which will take more time, energy, and skill. 

Begin by looking at the relationships you’ve had in the past. Start with your childhood and move forward to the present day. Here are some example questions to ask yourself:

Who was your best friend? Why?

Who did you get along with best in your family? Why?

Who were your favourite teachers? Bosses?

What drew you to various romantic partners or adult friendships? What sustained them?

Who do you feel most comfortable around currently?

Who makes you challenge yourself to be a better person? How?

Think of all the people in your life, past and present, that you connected with on the deepest levels. What were the common features of these relationships? Of these people? Of the situation you were in together?

What was your contribution?

Now think about who you’ve had the most difficult times with. What made it difficult? What part did you play in this?

Think about what your answers to these questions mean: after you’ve decided what you want from the relationships in your life – and which relationships you want to work on – think about what it is that you’re bringing to the table.

Think about how you typically relate to others in a variety of circumstances; and decide which traits and habits to build upon, which to change, and which to let go of completely.

We’re all in this thing together and we need one another: humans are social animals. When we develop the relationships in our lives we become filled with abundance and prosperity. And the further we branch out of our small troupes to connect with others in meaningful way, the better off we all are.

But a wider circle of connectedness begins with strengthening the connections in our immediate environment. And even before that it starts with an understanding of our needs…

What exactly do you want from your relationships? What are your goals?

- Do you want to strengthen the existing connections in your home or work life? Or maybe just one or two in particular?

- Do you want to be more effective at getting along with others in general? Or just have more quality people in your life?

- Do you want to expand your social circle for personal and/or business reasons? Or do you just want to overcome your shyness?

And why do you want these things?

- To experience more enjoyment in your life?

- To shield yourself from feelings of loneliness?

- To foster greater levels of confidence?

The list could go on with any number of reasons, but I ask these questions to help you begin to get really clear about the ‘whats’ and ‘whys’. The clearer you can be about your purposes, the stronger your intentions – and the more likely it is that change will happen.

So decide what it is you’d like to accomplish with your relationships, and why. And choose a specific target. Decide what the ideal outcome for this relationship (or set of relationships) would look like, and start to think about ways to make it happen!

In the next set of articles we’ll build upon this reflection by examining how you relate to others, and how well you know the people in your life. We’ll also examine the process of building trust – one of the most important cornerstones of any meaningful relationship.

But you can help it out a bit. And one of the ways to do this, as I’ve discussed before, is to create a space. This just means having a place in the world that’s all yours: a space that’s free from the assaults of the outside world, filled only with your interests and personality (although erring on the side of ‘minimalist’ is probably a good idea to avoid too many distractions).

I’ve recently revamped my own space a bit to create a sense of newness and change – and I did this because I think we habituate to our surroundings. In other words, when anything is static for too long in our environment it ends up blending into the woodwork and we don’t really notice it anymore. But this isn’t a great place to be, because our brains respond to novelty.

So it makes sense that revamping your space will, at least temporarily, cause your brain to perk up a bit – hopefully helping with motivation. (I’ll have to test it out.)

Another thing to think about is what specifically you can add to your space to have the biggest impact – and something creative like a piece of art is always a good idea. I think it helps sometimes to have reminders around us of just what we are capable of as human beings…  

Looking at a beautiful painting or listening to an amazing piece of music, for example, can help remind us that we’re all a part of this universe that’s continually expanding and creating. We’re all a part of this creation, and we’re here to create. Being reminded of that has got to help with motivation.

So the point of this article to encourage you to create a space that’s just for you, if you haven’t got one already. Keep it free from distraction and clutter, and make sure that it’s really all about your needs, your personality, and your interests. Shake it up once in awhile to keep it novel and fresh; and introduce things into your space that remind you of your creative purpose and unlimited potential.

That’s why when it comes to getting what you want, the first step is to decide – specifically – what you want in your life. Not in generalities, but in specifics. For instance:

NOT: “I want to be skinny,” but, “I want to wear a size 10 and have my BMI, blood pressure, and cholesterol in healthy ranges.”

NOT: “I want to be financially secure,” but, “I want to be debt-free and have $100,000 in the bank by the time I’m 50.”

NOT: “I want a new job,” but, “I want a job that allows me to work flexible hours from home, making $20 an hour, using my skills in word processing and business management.”

Specificity is critical in goal-setting for several reasons:

If you only have a general idea of what you want, you can only get a general idea of how to achieve it.

Being specific saves time. You will intuitively be able to sort through opportunities that are presented to you and know immediately whether they are in line with your goals or not.

Being specific helps your mind create a vivid picture of what you want. Once your mind can picture it, it’s much easier to achieve it.

If you’re having trouble specifying your dreams, here are some questions to ask yourself:

What does it look like?

How will you know when you’ve made it?

When do you want to achieve this goal?

What does it feel like, taste like, smell like?

What would a day in your dream life be like, from the time you get up until the time you go to bed?

Write these answers down and revisit them frequently to see if they’re still true, and to remind yourself of what you’re working towards.

Also remember that the only way to know if the goals you’re aiming for are the right goals is to figure out if they are your heart’s desire. Sometimes it takes some detective work to peel back the layers of societal and family expectations to get at what YOU really want.

There are clues all around you: If you fall asleep dreaming about something, wake up thinking about something, and find yourself perking up whenever you meet someone doing what you’d like to do, you’re on the right track. Meanwhile, if you get a sinking sensation when you pull into the garage of house with the white picket fence, or find yourself calling in sick to that six-figure job “everyone” would kill to have, then you may be in the wrong place… for you.

So what do you do if you find you’ve been chasing after the wrong dream? You readjust. You find ways to move your current life closer to the one you really long for. Maybe that means getting up an hour early to work on your mystery novel. Maybe it means spending your weekends teaching art to inner city kids. Maybe it means volunteering to do taxes at the senior center. Take a small step and see how it feels. Then take another, and another, until you know deep in your heart you’re on the right track. If you are, the momentum will carry you forward.