How To Build Trust
I wrote an article the other day for another publication about how to build trust – and I posted it again here. The request I received was specifically in regard to building trust within business teams, but I think the answer is applicable to all relationships regardless of context:
A solid level of trust is paramount to any situation where individuals and teams need to reach a common set of goals. And the cornerstones of trust are assertive communication and consistency in behavior.
People often confuse “assertive” with “aggressive”, but they couldn’t be any different. Assertive basically means standing up for one’s own rights while respecting the rights of the other. Aggressive, on the other hand, means standing up for your own rights while disrespecting or disregarding the rights of the other.
(These are both different from passivity: the third style of communication. Being passive simply means allowing your own rights to be violated in your interactions.)
So with this definition in mind, assertive communication implies interactions that are clear, direct, respectful, and purposeful. In order for people or teams to develop trust between one another, both parties need to know what they want from their interactions; and they need to communicate their needs and desires in a way that is understood. They also need to be sure that they understand the other party’s positions and requests, and they need to be focused on outcomes that best meet the interests of all involved.
(Of course this isn’t always possible, but the more all parties strive for this ideal the greater levels of trust will be built.)
In addition to this assertive communication, trust requires a high degree of behavioral consistency. In other words, in order to build trust people need to “walk the walk and talk the talk” in a variety of situations over time – and they need to have a solid track record of integrity and results.
Basically stated, when we know what to expect of one another – and we’re usually happy with the results of their actions – trust is maintained. (And as they say, trust takes forever to develop but is broken at the drop of a hat.)
So in order to fortify and develop trust between one another, we need to regularly engage in assertive communication and be consistent in our behaviors – and we can only do our own part in this equation; modeling this way of being in the hopes that that’s how others will begin to interact with us.
And on a final note, it also helps if we can develop some sort of relationship with the people around us: people do business with people they know, like, and respect. Sharing a bit of ourselves and building rapport with others in a meaningful way can help us all interact more assertively and consistently.
How Well Do You Know the Important People in Your Life?
A big part of developing and strengthening your relationships is about really knowing the important people in your life. We all know many people on a superficial or even friendly level; but how much do we really know about who they are under the exterior we see and interact with every day?
I got thinking about this question after receiving an email from my mother some time ago. The structure of the email was that it asked a bunch of personal questions, and you were supposed to fill it out and send it onto your friends. Your friends were then able to see how much they knew about you; as well as learn some new things they didn’t know.
Truth be told, I was a little surprised (and more than a little ashamed) that seventy-five percent or so of the answers completed by my mother was new information to me.
My mother’s responses contained some obvious things I couldn’t help but know after being acquainted with her for 40 years; but there were also a lot of things I would only have known had I actually asked. It made me realize that I actually know very little about the people in my life outside the regular stuff I see every day.
Despite “knowing” certain people in my life for many years, I realized that within each one resides a whole world I’ve never seen: a world filled with hopes and dreams; likes and dislikes; goals and fears; victories and disappointments.
Within each one lies a history of choices and experiences that have shaped who they’ve become, and have brought them to where they are today: experiences rich with lessons to be shared and morals to be embraced.
I hope that you’ve put more effort into knowing the important people in your life than I have. If not, think about how much more enriched your life could be; simply by asking them about the things they don’t generally share for the sake of casual conversation.
How Do You Relate to Others?
In the previous article we looked at getting clear on what you want to accomplish in your relationships, and why. The next step to developing the connections in your life is to examine what you’re bringing to the table…
The way to strengthen or develop a relationship is to identify what is already working – or at least the possibilities and potential – as well as an awareness of what isn’t. We can then maximize the positive aspects of the relationship while working together to develop and practice more adaptive alternatives to what’s broken. Exactly how to do this is beyond the scope of this article (and is explored in depth in Building Better Relationships) – but a good place to start is looking at how you relate to others:
Having this awareness helps foster successful relationships because it gives you the opportunity to identify what you do well, as well as identify new behaviors to try on. It also fosters insight into which types of personalities, environments, and situations you prefer.
Knowing this allows you to make some conscious decisions and plan accordingly. It allows you to decide with whom and where you can easily develop relationships, and with whom and where you choose to step out of your comfort zone (or not). You can decide which relationships will come more naturally and easily; and which will take more time, energy, and skill.
Begin by looking at the relationships you’ve had in the past. Start with your childhood and move forward to the present day. Here are some example questions to ask yourself:
Who was your best friend? Why?
Who did you get along with best in your family? Why?
Who were your favourite teachers? Bosses?
What drew you to various romantic partners or adult friendships? What sustained them?
Who do you feel most comfortable around currently?
Who makes you challenge yourself to be a better person? How?
Think of all the people in your life, past and present, that you connected with on the deepest levels. What were the common features of these relationships? Of these people? Of the situation you were in together?
What was your contribution?
Now think about who you’ve had the most difficult times with. What made it difficult? What part did you play in this?
Think about what your answers to these questions mean: after you’ve decided what you want from the relationships in your life – and which relationships you want to work on – think about what it is that you’re bringing to the table.
Think about how you typically relate to others in a variety of circumstances; and decide which traits and habits to build upon, which to change, and which to let go of completely.
What Do You Want From Your Relationships?
Solid and meaningful relationships are critical to our happiness and success. The connectedness we experience with others provides comfort when we need it; intellectual stimulation when we want it; and reciprocity of love when we share it. It allows us to get our needs met and to meet the needs of others.
We’re all in this thing together and we need one another: humans are social animals. When we develop the relationships in our lives we become filled with abundance and prosperity. And the further we branch out of our small troupes to connect with others in meaningful way, the better off we all are.
But a wider circle of connectedness begins with strengthening the connections in our immediate environment. And even before that it starts with an understanding of our needs…
What exactly do you want from your relationships? What are your goals?
- Do you want to strengthen the existing connections in your home or work life? Or maybe just one or two in particular?
- Do you want to be more effective at getting along with others in general? Or just have more quality people in your life?
- Do you want to expand your social circle for personal and/or business reasons? Or do you just want to overcome your shyness?
And why do you want these things?
- To experience more enjoyment in your life?
- To shield yourself from feelings of loneliness?
- To foster greater levels of confidence?
The list could go on with any number of reasons, but I ask these questions to help you begin to get really clear about the ‘whats’ and ‘whys’. The clearer you can be about your purposes, the stronger your intentions – and the more likely it is that change will happen.
So decide what it is you’d like to accomplish with your relationships, and why. And choose a specific target. Decide what the ideal outcome for this relationship (or set of relationships) would look like, and start to think about ways to make it happen!
In the next set of articles we’ll build upon this reflection by examining how you relate to others, and how well you know the people in your life. We’ll also examine the process of building trust – one of the most important cornerstones of any meaningful relationship.
Staying Motivated in Your Space
I write a lot about motivation because its something I’m always struggling to capture and hang onto myself; and its elusive nature interests me. I’ve talked about various ways of looking at and trying to capture motivation; and some work better than others at different times in different situations. But the one point that consistently sticks for me is the fact that it really is elusive: in other words, you can’t just “get” it.
But you can help it out a bit. And one of the ways to do this, as I’ve discussed before, is to create a space. This just means having a place in the world that’s all yours: a space that’s free from the assaults of the outside world, filled only with your interests and personality (although erring on the side of ‘minimalist’ is probably a good idea to avoid too many distractions).
I’ve recently revamped my own space a bit to create a sense of newness and change – and I did this because I think we habituate to our surroundings. In other words, when anything is static for too long in our environment it ends up blending into the woodwork and we don’t really notice it anymore. But this isn’t a great place to be, because our brains respond to novelty.
So it makes sense that revamping your space will, at least temporarily, cause your brain to perk up a bit – hopefully helping with motivation. (I’ll have to test it out.)
Another thing to think about is what specifically you can add to your space to have the biggest impact – and something creative like a piece of art is always a good idea. I think it helps sometimes to have reminders around us of just what we are capable of as human beings…
Looking at a beautiful painting or listening to an amazing piece of music, for example, can help remind us that we’re all a part of this universe that’s continually expanding and creating. We’re all a part of this creation, and we’re here to create. Being reminded of that has got to help with motivation.
So the point of this article to encourage you to create a space that’s just for you, if you haven’t got one already. Keep it free from distraction and clutter, and make sure that it’s really all about your needs, your personality, and your interests. Shake it up once in awhile to keep it novel and fresh; and introduce things into your space that remind you of your creative purpose and unlimited potential.
What Do You Want Out of Life?
Before you can get anywhere, you need to know where you are going. It sounds simple, but when it comes to life goals or dreams, it’s not so clear. We think, “I want my business to be a success,” or “I want to be happy.” But ask 100 different people to define success, or to say what makes them happy, and you’re going to get 100 different answers.
That’s why when it comes to getting what you want, the first step is to decide – specifically – what you want in your life. Not in generalities, but in specifics. For instance:
NOT: “I want to be skinny,” but, “I want to wear a size 10 and have my BMI, blood pressure, and cholesterol in healthy ranges.”
NOT: “I want to be financially secure,” but, “I want to be debt-free and have $100,000 in the bank by the time I’m 50.”
NOT: “I want a new job,” but, “I want a job that allows me to work flexible hours from home, making $20 an hour, using my skills in word processing and business management.”
Specificity is critical in goal-setting for several reasons:
If you only have a general idea of what you want, you can only get a general idea of how to achieve it.
Being specific saves time. You will intuitively be able to sort through opportunities that are presented to you and know immediately whether they are in line with your goals or not.
Being specific helps your mind create a vivid picture of what you want. Once your mind can picture it, it’s much easier to achieve it.
If you’re having trouble specifying your dreams, here are some questions to ask yourself:
What does it look like?
How will you know when you’ve made it?
When do you want to achieve this goal?
What does it feel like, taste like, smell like?
What would a day in your dream life be like, from the time you get up until the time you go to bed?
Write these answers down and revisit them frequently to see if they’re still true, and to remind yourself of what you’re working towards.
Also remember that the only way to know if the goals you’re aiming for are the right goals is to figure out if they are your heart’s desire. Sometimes it takes some detective work to peel back the layers of societal and family expectations to get at what YOU really want.
There are clues all around you: If you fall asleep dreaming about something, wake up thinking about something, and find yourself perking up whenever you meet someone doing what you’d like to do, you’re on the right track. Meanwhile, if you get a sinking sensation when you pull into the garage of house with the white picket fence, or find yourself calling in sick to that six-figure job “everyone” would kill to have, then you may be in the wrong place… for you.
So what do you do if you find you’ve been chasing after the wrong dream? You readjust. You find ways to move your current life closer to the one you really long for. Maybe that means getting up an hour early to work on your mystery novel. Maybe it means spending your weekends teaching art to inner city kids. Maybe it means volunteering to do taxes at the senior center. Take a small step and see how it feels. Then take another, and another, until you know deep in your heart you’re on the right track. If you are, the momentum will carry you forward.
7 Simple and Easy Tips You Can Use Now to Overcome Procrastination
In my recent quest to see what others out there in the field of personal development are up to, I came across this great guy in Australia named Sam Tornatore. I found Sam to be a very personable and knowledgeable individual; who was very generous with his time and information. I wanted to have him as a guest blogger because I think he has a lot of valuable information to share with anyone looking to better their professional and/or personal lives.
Sam has a particular interest and skillset in overcoming procrastination, and he’s shared these “7 Simple and Easy Tips You Can Use Now to Overcome Procrastination”:
1. Pleasure or Pain Principle
If you took all the motivational books in the world and condensed them, they would suggest two principles as to what motivates people.
They are: we either move towards pleasure, or away from pain. So, the first thing to do is, in detail, identify all the pain that will result from you not doing a task and all its negative consequences, pain, embarrassment etc. The more painful and real it becomes, the more you will want to move away from it. Describe in graphic detail the worst possible scenario for not completing the job at hand.
2. Start listing out, in writing, all the benefits that will come from completing the task. Feel the feeling of actually achieving it and having it done. Surround yourself with that feeling of accomplishment, and picture the victory in your mind.
3. Ask yourself – “What is stopping me from doing this?”
Sometimes, there is an obvious block, which may be a habit that has been engrained so deeply, that we don’t challenge it anymore. We all know people, for example, who always have a meal at midday: not because they are hungry, but simply because it is midday! Change your approach, the time of day, or location. Challenge your patterns, and act on these type of things to stimulate creativity and energy.
4. Can I get someone to help me?
Who can I consult with to either help me or get more information? Sometimes, we are overwhelmed, because we don’t know enough about the task and how to complete it, or where to start. A little bit more information can often make a significant difference. The task can then reduce in size from our mind and becomes more in perspective. A problem shared is a problem halved.
5. Chunk the task down to bit size pieces!
Often we are overwhelmed with a task of something we need to do. We see it as so big, that it renders us powerless. The strategy is to break it down and look at the task as a group of smaller tasks. Then start with the first and easiest ‘mini-task’ and do that.
6. Pick a task that takes a short time to complete, and do that first. This will build momentum – as well as a new habit that can be reinforced through repetition.
7. Most importantly, however, set a deadline.
Make it realistic. The mind is like a heat seeking missile. What it focuses on, it achieves!
Over the years, my advice to sceptics is this. Don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself. Go over the above seven points, tick each one, and apply it to your situation. Once you have done that, contact me, and tell me they didn’t improve your situation? I won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from you.
Sam Tornatore
Copyright © 2010 Victory Business Solutions
(Check out more of Sam’s stuff on his website, and be sure to download his free report and video while you’re there!)
Can Anyone Be A Leader?
Simply stated, anyone can become a leader by having the ability and desire to take on such a role; and by having the opportunity to step into or create the role. Some people just seem better equipped for leadership, of course, but I like to think that we can all be leaders in any area in which we feel a sense of passion and investment.
The old “nature versus nurture” debate need not be a debate. The answer to any question that ponders which of these is responsible for anything is “both”. And this holds true with leadership as well: some leaders are appear to be born, and some appear to be made. Entrepreneurs and individuals who rise quickly and seamlessly through the ranks, for example, are often natural-born leaders. The “made” leader is often the individual who has been promoted because of his exceptional technical skills and knowledge. But even so, “natural-born” leaders need an environment that allows their leadership to take form; and individuals who are molded into successful leaders tend to possess some inherent traits that make their success possible.
So first and foremost, the aspiring leader needs to have a great degree of self-awareness and introspection. Leadership looks different on different levels – from the management of things to the management of people; from managing parts of the system to creating a vision for the entire interplay of systems. The aspiring leader needs to know where her interests truly lie; and she needs to understand her inherent strengths and weaknesses. She needs to know where she will be capable of growing; and which structures, systems, and environments will best support her development.
There is a big difference between “management” skills and “leadership skills”. Leaders may or may not be good managers; but they should learn (or learn to delegate). A good manager should also learn to be good leader: he should be able to manage “things and processes” as well as interact effectively with the people who make up the work unit or organization. He should be able to do the hands-on work on the ground level, while simultaneously thinking from the perspective of the larger system.
So again, anyone can be a leader; but the conditions need to be right. The aspiring leader’s success depends on her present knowledge and skills; but even more importantly on the combination of who she is, what she wants, what she can create, and what will support her. Becoming a leader takes a deep awareness of internal and external realities, dynamics, and possibilities; as well as the desire and ability to constantly learn and grow.
Setanta Hypnotherapy Clinic
I’ve always been very interested in the art and science of hypnotherapy, and I’ve often considered getting trained myself. But it can take years to master; and even then not everyone can do it well. It takes a special kind of person and very skilled practitioner to give you the kind of experience that can literarily change your life in a very short period of time.
I’ve recently been chatting with Xavier Nathan from Setanta Hypnotherapy Clinic, way across the world from me on the Isle of Man, who really is a master of his craft. I’ve learned so much after surfing his website, and I’ve included the link here for you to check out as well if you’re interested.
What’s also really cool is that Xavier and his wife, Mary, offer a bunch of free hypnotherapy downloads to check out before buying their products or services. So make sure you download them, and check out the videos while you’re there – very cool stuff 
How To Be a Narcissist…
Well, I don’t actually know how to be a narcissist; but I am working on it.
I just read some research from Buffardi and Campbell that might explain why I’m not using social networking as much as I’d like to be: because the frequency which one shares his life on social sites is strongly correlated to his level of narcissism.
I have a specific schedule for when I post on my own blog, as well as on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve tried amping that up a bit, but I’ve learned that my limit (where I’ll do it consistently) is twice a month. But I’ve just learned that in addition to having a specific plan and being disciplined, a good marketer also needs to think quite highly of himself. Hmmm. Something to work on I guess…
Actually, that’s not necessarily the case. I also remember reading once that CEOs of great companies tend to exhibit a different sort of narcissism: the ones who aren’t actually sociopathic (and only think about themselves) tend to think of their companies as extentions of themselves. They truly are narcissistic in every sense of the word – but in regard to their companies, not necessarily to themselves.
So maybe that’s my answer – and the answer for anyone out there trying to build something beyond themselves of which they can be proud: never stop loving what you do and never lose the passion. And if you do find these things starting to slip, maybe it’s time to move on…