Allergies and Chronic Fatigue
This post is a little different from the things I usually write about, but it’s something I really want to share:
Ever since I was a child I’d visited the doctor with symptoms of malaise and fatigue, only to find nothing wrong. This has continued throughout my life; and if I had been formally diagnosed I’m certain that I would have met the criteria for chronic fatigue syndrome.
Once a few years ago a friend suggested that I get tested for allergies. After getting the shots for a year I felt like a new man: healthy, happy, and full of energy. I had never felt so good in my entire life. But I gradually took this for granted and started to slack on my allergy shots. For the last 2 years or so I’d been feeling miserable again daily. All my medical tests would come back fine; although there were many days when I found it very hard to even get out of bed. It almost felt like a constant low-grade flu – and it really started messing with my emotional health.
About seven months ago I decided to revisit the allergy thing; sort of fearing that I had imagined the benefits I’d received a couple years ago. But I’ve been getting the shots for 7 months now and I’m starting to feel really good again. I forgot how good it feels to feel healthy, and I’ll never take it for granted again.
I am indeed very grateful. And I’m also wondering how many other people out there with undiagnosed allergies are being diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and such; continuously feeling unwell with no apparent reason for it. My doctor told me that my symptoms weren’t the norm – that people who come in for allergy testing and shots are typically suffering from the typical itchy eyes and runny noses. But what about other people like me, who have never entertained the idea of allergies because their symptoms aren’t typical?
I have a feeling there are more of us out there. So if you know anyone who constantly feels under the weather despite negative medical results, please tell them to get tested for allergies!
How to Make Good Decisions
If you’re thinking about how to make good decisions in your life, you might want to explore some strategic planning models.
Truth be told, I don’t know a lot about strategic planning – but the one thing that’s always stuck with me is this: “The cardinal rule is to take the path that allows you to change course if your initial decision proves wrong”.
This is a very powerful statement I think, as it speaks to being proactive and thoughtful about our choices. Many of us (including myself for many years) are too passive about the decisions we make that determine where we end up. Granted, there’s something to be said for “going with the flow”, or trusting the idea that things will work out the way they should. But the problem is that when we take the time to reflect on our lives, we see that things don’t always turn out the way we had hoped they would.
They say that hindsight is 20-20, and unfortunately the choices we could have made are much clearer than the decisions we’re faced with at present. But if you believe that every little choice can alter the events of our lives in some way, you’ll agree that as hard as it is sometimes it would probably pay to be more deliberate with our decisions.
Whenever we’re faced with a set of circumstances that demands a decision between two or more courses of action, the first thing we need to do is get out of our own way. In other words, we need to truthfully examine our own anxieties, assumptions, and self-imposed limitations, and toss them aside. Decisions are easy to make if they’re based on fear: we simply choose the easy way out to avoid any discomfort. But this most often isn’t the best decision in the long run.
The second thing we need to do is examine the realities of the situation: “What’s really possible?” “What’s really the potential impact of this decision over the other?”
Then when we see a situation as clearly as we can, reasonably free from the clouds of subjectivity, we can return to the cardinal rule of strategic planning: “If I make this decision and it doesn’t go so well, how difficult would it be to course-correct and choose a different path?” Of course following this logic doesn’t automatically guarantee success – but if we do need to shift gears, we end up saving a lot of precious time and effort by having thought it through the first time around.
How To Set Goals
We hear all the time that setting goals is crucial to one’s success. But recently there’s been some backlash against this, arguing that goal-setting can be detrimental because we tend to set unachievable goals, as well as miss other opportunities because we are hyper-focused on achieving that one thing.
(But then there’s the opposite problem of becoming too flexible: changing course like the wind and following every shining ball that happens to bounce by…)
As with anything, there’s a happy medium. Of course setting goals is important: we can’t get to where we want to be unless we know where it is we’re going and how we’re going to get there. But on the same token, we know that the only constant in life is change and that circumstances are fluid.
The bottom line, then, is that we need to have a clear idea of what we want and how we’re planning to achieve it; but we also need to flexible and be willing to adjust along the way as we gather new information and fall upon unexpected experiences.
Said another way, the key to successful goal-setting and execution is to have a clear picture of what you want – while understanding that certain elements of that picture may look different by the time you get there.
You can develop this picture by being clear on your values, and by identifying how it is you want to feel. With every choice you’re faced with in life, check to see what aligns most closely to your values and how the decision is most likely to affect your quality of life. Then see how the decision fits into your overall goal and see what needs to be adjusted!
Life Balance
We hear the term “life balance” a lot – but what does it really mean? And how do we find and maintain it?
I think there are two answers to these questions. The first has to do with looking at the various roles and responsibilities in our lives; and accurately and honestly assessing how we’re establishing our priorities and directing our energy. The second, I believe, has to do with recognizing and managing our internal conflicts.
I like to think that we’re never truly “balanced” – but that at any given time we’re either moving toward balance or moving away from it. Moving toward balance means taking the time daily to take stock of our tasks, sorting out what’s most important, and working our way through the list – while continuously and effectively monitoring and adjusting the energy and time we’re devoting to each one. If we feel reasonable healthy on all levels, its probably safe to say we’re moving toward balance.
(It also helps to do this mindfully: we see and assess things more accurately and effectively if we’re really “present” in all of our actions and interactions. It’s easy to engage mindlessly in doing the things we need to do, and in being the people we need to be – but successfully “checking everything off the list” doesn’t necessarily mean we’re moving toward balance. When we act in a rote and mindless manner we become disengaged from our emotional and spiritual selves. And we can’t experience a move toward true balance without those.)
I started thinking about internal conflicts as I was driving home today through a very nice neighborhood that smelled like money. My first reaction was one of excitement, motivation, and possibility: I thought about how I could have all the things I want to have if I just continue to work hard to be successful. My second reaction was one of guilt, however, as I became acutely aware of the birth lottery that’s unfairly landed me in the top one percent of all the wealth on this earth.
This got me thinking about how easy it would be to live my life out of balance if I didn’t also acknowledge and deal with these internal conflicts in a healthy way. I could, for example, try not to think about the rest of the world while I’m striving for my own success: changing the channel when one of those commercials comes on and telling myself there’s nothing I can do. Or I could just as easily go the opposite way: adopting the attitude that it’s wrong to give into the human drive toward success; living in squalor with the belief that money is the root of all evil.
Or I could think about it logically: I could decide that I don’t have to live way beyond my means if that’s not where my values lie; but also that I can’t do anyone else any good if I don’t have the resources to do so. (I’m not saying that this is the correct or only way to approach this conflict; but I am saying that I have a choice.)
Of course this is only one example of the many conflicts we all have residing within us – but the point is that we can strive to identify and reconcile them in healthy ways; helping to maintain a sense of balance. And we can do this while engaging purposefully and flexibly with the many roles and responsibilities of our lives.
The Winner’s Brain
I’ve been reading a fair bit lately about neuroplasticity: about how our thoughts, behaviors, and experiences literally shape the neural, chemical, and physical structures of our brains – molding them into more or less effective drivers of our physical and mental health and success.
I’m happy to say that the current literature in this area reaffirms the things I tend to suggest in my own coaching practice, as well as in the things I write. I don’t take credit for the knowledge I share, though: it’s simply my take on what I’ve learned throughout the years – largely through the contributions of cognitive-behavioral therapy and positive psychology. But I am happy to know that modern brain science, through empirical data, is backing up what therapists and research psychologists have long known to be true.
One of the things I just finished reading is a book called “The Winner’s Brain”. I won’t go into much detail about it, because it wouldn’t be fair to the authors (or ethical or legal) to give away all their points. But I will share a few things in the book that stood out for me – things I’ve gathered through other sources throughout my journey, to be sure – but articulated in a way that lit the lightbulb in my head:
1. I talk a lot about the importance of soliciting feedback – simply because of the fact that we don’t know what we don’t know. But what I learned in this book is that the parts of your brain that are involved with proficiency of a task are also the same parts involved in proficiency awareness. In other words, there’s a very real reason why we may be bad at something and not even know it! Hence the importance of feedback.
2. I’m a real proponent of “showing up in the world as our true selves” – but also that adjusting to different situations by calling upon different versions, or personas, of our selves can be appropriate and beneficial. The authors of the book acknowledge this, but also state that narrowing the gap between our public and private selves allows us to judge our social interactions more accurately, as well as cause others to see us as more confident and authentic people. A good reminder to not take our adaptive skills too far.
3. I write a lot about ways of cultivating and fostering motivation, but I’ve also learned that motivation has a lot to do with removing barriers as opposed to solely focusing on pushing forward with what you have. Makes good sense.
4. I also focus a lot on the field of positive psychology and the documented benefits of a positive perspective or disposition. The thing that really stood out to me in this regard is the authors’ conclusion that “happiness precedes success”. An elegant little statement, confirmed by solid research, highlighting the fact that we can choose to be happy – and that we’ll experience greater levels of success by doing so.
5. Last but not least, and I say this all the time, exercise and meditation is really where it’s at. The book confirmed again what we know to be true: that if you do nothing else to take charge of your own destiny, the best thing you can do is exercise and meditate.
Of course these five points are not that all the book say (or that I could say) about shaping your brain for better health and success; but they’re the things that jumped out at me at this particular point in time. I’d encourage you to do your own research about what else is being discovered, and about how and why these sorts of things work. (Naturally, a great place to start would be picking up the book.) I also cover lots of these kinds of ‘cognitive-behavioral’ concepts and techniques in my articles and products – and if you like this sort of thing I’m sure they’d be of value to you.
But at the very least, try focusing more on the five things outlined above, and see what kind of difference they make to your life!
There is one caveat, though: these things take time and practice to really make a difference. Remember, we’re talking about literally reshaping and modifying the brain on a physical and chemical level. Developing more adaptive perspectives and behaviors certainly creates some quick and powerful gains; but sustaining these gains requires persistence and work!
(Don’t be afraid of the work, though – just keep it fun… Remember the point about staying positive 
Career Satisfaction
For those of us who work for a living, for ourselves or for someone else, career satisfaction is something we’d most definitely like to achieve. And career satisfaction is certainly an achievable goal – but it’s important that the term “satisfaction” be defined correctly for each one of us.
In other words, if you want career satisfaction, you first need to identify what this really means to you. There is no empirical right or wrong: however you define career satisfaction is up to you. As long as it’s done honestly, is what’s right for you.
For example, do you equate career satisfaction with complete happiness in every way, shape, and form? Or would you be happy to make X amount of dollars despite the actual work you do – i.e., would it be worth the grind in order to be able to live the lifestyle you want to live?
Does career satisfaction mean that you would actually enjoy going to your job every day? Does it mean that you have good relationships at work? Does it mean that you receive a sense of fulfillment and contribution through your work?
Chances are, being happy in your career means a combination of the things listed above; in addition to other factors that only you can identify.
If you expect complete utopia in your career, for example, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. But on the other hand, maybe not: there are people who love every aspect of their career because that’s how they’ve decided to approach their lives and work. They try to always take the good with the bad, and they try to see opportunity in adversity. They always look for the silver lining in discouraging situations; and they’re able to identify and be grateful for the lessons learned.
Others love their career because they’ve taken the time to be clear on what they value and what they need from their work; as well as what they will and will not tolerate. They’ve carved out their work environments in response to this awareness.
So, yes, career satisfaction is an achievable goal. But only you know what you’re capable of creating for yourself in response to your own self-worth, clarity, ability, and desire; and to the reality of the opportunities and obstacles in your environment. It’s up to you to define your happiness, and it’s up to you to go after it!
How Can Leaders Stay Focused On Their Goals?
I submitted an article recently to taskfm.com in response to this question. Here it is if you’re interested
What is Your Leadership Style?
What is you leadership style?
The study of leadership is certainly not a new one, and there are almost too many theories to count. A quick internet search, however (psychology.about.com), identifies that most of the different leadership theories that have emerged over the years can be classified into a handful of major types:
“Great Man” Theories
Trait Theories
Contingency Theories
Situational Theories
Behavioral Theories
Parcipitative Theories
Relationship Theories/Transformational Leadership
Management theories/Transactional Leadership.
There are various theories and models listed under each type, and they’re well worth looking into. The style of leadership you adopt can either be a success or a failure, depending upon a myriad of factors: what works with one personality in one environment may not work in the next. Understanding the theories listed above (and any others floating around out there) can help you clarify what you believe to be true about leadership, and how you might best approach your own leadership development.
Within any of these theories, however, the individual leader and his or her preferences also need to be taken into account. In addition to the leadership theories that have been studied, there are also many leadership “styles” listed in the literature. Again, a quick internet search identifies some of the more common ones discussed:
Autocratic or Authoritarian Leadership
Participative or Democratic Leadership
Laissez-Faire Leadership
Servant Leadership
Transactional Leadership
Transformational Leadership
Situational Leadership
Again, these appear to be some the most prominent; but there are other leadership styles identified in the literature that would be worth researching for yourself. I’ve included these ones in particular for two reasons: one because they seem to have the most written about them; and two because these are the styles I see most often in my own leadership coaching practice.
Unfortunately I see examples of Authoritarian Leadership more often than I’d like; where the leader makes decisions unilaterally and often unfairly. And outside of military or paramilitary organizations, this never works. The other styles listed can be more or less effective depending on the environment, culture, and people involved; and you’d be wise to know the difference.
Transformative Leadership is one of the more contemporary styles to be identified, and is often touted as one of the most effective. It is about inspiring others and sharing a greater vision. This type of leadership is great, of course; but it’s often best balanced by a Transactional Leadership style based on role compliance and incentives for achievement. Of the styles listed above, my own bias falls toward Hersey and Blanchard’s Situational Leadership; where the leader is able to adjust his or style in response to the unique situation or task at hand.
So what is your leadership style?
Your Leadership Development Plan
If you want to be a strong leader in any capacity, it would be wise to start crafting your leadership development plan.
Where do you want to be a better leader? Perhaps it’s at home with your kids. Or maybe you’re looking for a promotion at work. Or maybe you just want to be a stronger role model in your community… Wherever you want to be a leader, you can – as long as you’ve got the passion as well as the ability to reflect, learn, and grow.
Your leadership development plan begins with an assessment of who you are and who you want to be. When targeting areas for this step, try to just pick two or three to start with. Some actions we take will have a more broader-reaching impact, and will accelerate our growth more quickly than others. Choose a couple of areas that you really feel are priorities. You can always add on to the list and increase the complexity of your plan later.
As possible goal areas, consider any and all ideas that come to you through your ongoing self-reflection. And think about where you can begin to practice your leadership skills: what non-threatening situations can you identify to practice on a small scale? – It’s really about flexing the muscles and developing smaller habits that lead to new ways of being.
Also be creative when thinking about the supports you need to help with your leadership growth. Perhaps a manager or mentor can help create leadership opportunities for you. Maybe there’s a training course you can sign up for at work or in your community…
Remember that it’s important to be flexible in your thinking when creating and acting on your leadership development plan. In order to grow, we need to do some things differently than we have in the past!
Here are a few quotes I like to serve as food for thought in this regard:
“He that is good with a hammer tends to think everything is a nail.” – Abraham Maslow
“The most damaging phrase in the language is: ‘It’s always been done that way.’” – Rear Admiral Grace Hopper
“Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
“I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.” – Pablo Picasso
“It takes a habit to replace a habit.” – Napoleon Hill
Here are some questions to get started. Answer them in as much detail as you can, and take as much time as necessary to make them clear and actionable:
What do you see as your major strengths?
What do you see as your areas for growth?
Which skills related to your leadership is it most important for you to develop?
In what ways can you apply your strengths to more areas of your work and life?
How can you strengthen the weaknesses you identified?
What resources do you need to strengthen these skills?
How will you know when you are successful?
All of these questions are equally important, and they’re not easy to answer. They take a great deal of time and reflection, and they require complete honesty and candor. You will also need to revisit them regularly, and ask as many people as you can to answer them for you as well – and be prepared and willing to hear their answers.
Also take the time to revisit the last question until you have a crystal-clear answer: we can’t get to where we’re going until we know exactly where it is we’re headed!
Communication and Leadership
Communication and leadership go hand in hand: in order to be good leaders we need to be good communicators. But unfortunately this isn’t always the case in the leadership ranks.
When I started coaching some time back, I made it my mission to absorb as much information as I could about communication and leadership: devouring books on leadership models, leadership coaching, business, etc. I interviewed leaders on different levels in different sectors, and noted their common themes and struggles. I spoke with numerous teams to hear their experiences…
Eventually I hit that place of circular learning: where whatever you read or do, you encounter the same themes. The ‘nothing new under the sun’ phenomenon (or what they refer to in some research models as ‘saturation’).
And really, the themes are not difficult: if you ask a bunch of lay-people what types of leadership communication and relationship styles they believe to be most effective, they would come up with similar ideas.
So I began to think that this was too easy: that this knowledge isn’t rocket science, and that the paradigm shift from a harsh micro-management, or a disconnected, style of leadership to a more effective ‘people-centered’ approach clearly must have already happened without me. I thought that maybe I missed the ball and that I’d have to redefine my niche.
But to this day, whenever I speak with teams, I know that I was way off base with my presumption. Over and over I continue to hear the same complaints: a lack of strong leadership – particularly in terms of unclear, autocratic, or even no communication.
I know that there are also some very effective leadership styles that aren’t exactly what you’d call ‘people-friendly’ – and that different situations call for different responses. But all in all, I think we know what works best for the majority of circumstances and environments.
But why do many of us revert to old habits, or continue to do what goes against what we know to be a better way?
We do this for a number of reasons. First of all, because we’re human. And most of us are not villains: we do what we need to do to get the job done quickly for the higher good or common goal – whether our delivery is popular or not (and this certainly does take some courage). We also tend to revert back to automatic ways of being when we’re under stress.
And change is hard.
But to sustain a change we need to remain conscious of the alignment, or misalignment, of our intentions and our actions – and we need to understand and buy into why it might be important to practice a more people-centered approach (hint: things like morale and retention; better group cohesion leading to better initiatives; reduced conflict and stress – you get the idea).
We need to purposely and consistently examine our habits, patterns, and beliefs – and not be afraid to venture out of our comfort zones to experiment with different styles.
As leaders, this ‘venturing out’ is quite often our norm. So why not in the areas of interpersonal relationships and more emotionally-intelligent communication?
The best way to do this is to ask for specific and honest feedback from those most impacted by our actions: by asking how we come across now, and what might work better (and, of course, being willing to hear it). In addition, hiring a coach to help identify developmental opportunities, and staying on track with them, can be a very effective strategy.